


There Is No End To Love

by DestinedForDisaster



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Adoption, Dark Phil, Death, Depression, Eating Disorder, Established Relationship, M/M, Marriage, Parents, Prison, Protective Phil, Rape, Wedding, but everyone seems to think so, depressed dan, lonely dan, not actually, proposal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-06-02 16:04:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6572812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestinedForDisaster/pseuds/DestinedForDisaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil have been in a relationship for seven years now and are happily engaged. The pair are eagerly awaiting the news of their impending adoption however after Dan is violently assaulted, their whole world gets turned upside down. Feeling completely alone and abandoned, Dan has to learn to come to terms with the fact that maybe he doesn't know Phil as well as he thought. Will he and Phil ever have the future together that they'd always dreamed of?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to point out that this is set maybe summer 2016 or 2017 idk, also I've pretty much written the entire thing, it's just needs to be checked!
> 
> The title is from the One Direction End Of The Day.

End Of The Day

Jack and Dan had barely made it half way up the drive towards Louise's front door before it was flung open. A little squeal came from the blonde haired 5 year old as she ran at full speed to Jack who awaited her with open arms.

"Jack!" she screamed with delight as he picked her up and hugged the small child tightly.

"Go say hello to Dan, go on Darce," Jack urged, taking Dan's bag from his hands and swapping it for the little girl.

"Dan!" she squealed, wrapping her arms around him.

"Hi Darcy," he laughed in reply, putting her down and allowing her to lead him by the hand to where her mother was hugging Jack. "Hey Louise." 

"Dan, Dan, Dan!" she screamed, getting just as excitable as her daughter who was now clinging to Dan's hand. Louise threw herself at Dan, embracing him tightly before leading the two men inside. 

"The two of you are in the double in the spare bedroom, I hope you don't mind."

"That's fine by me, as long as Dan doesn't mind, who by the way is keeping something from us," Jack teased, before rushing up the stairs to put their stuff in their bedroom.

"What's this all about, hm?" Louise asked, hand on hip, waiting expectantly.

"Oh it's nothing, just Jack being nosy. Honestly, I'll tell you later, it's not a big deal," Dan replied, trying to ignore the overwhelming nauseous feeling in his stomach.

Before Louise was able to question him anymore, Jack was bounding down the stairs, wrapping his arms around the two and announcing his excitement for the weekend ahead.

"Mummy, can we watch a film?" Darcy asked, giggling at Jack who was pulling faces at her.

"Of course we can." 

"Well, luckily for you Darcy, I have a present from me and Phil," Dan told her, taking a DVD box shaped gift out of his shoulder bag and handing it to the little girl.

Darcy quickly ripped off the neatly wrapped red paper to find Big Hero 6 inside. Jack immediately laughed, handing it to Louise, who began to grin.

"You didn't have to do this Dan! What do you say Darce?" she said, ushering them into the sitting room.

"Thank you!" 

The four sat and watched the film in a comfortable silence, Dan and Louise sat under a thick white blanket and Darcy and Jack under a red coloured one. Once the film finished, Louise revelled in the fact that she had caught both men in tears more than once during the film.

"I get very emotionally invested in cartoons!" Dan laughed in defence.

"You get very emotionally invested in everything Dan! I don't know how Phil puts up with you, you're more emotional than I am," Louise teased.

"Speaking of Phil, I need to phone him as I promised I would," Dan informed them, walking out of the room and proceeding up the stairs. He could just about make out Jack's less than PG comment before an exaggerated shushing from Louise.

As Dan reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that there were boxes everywhere, a large amount of Louise’s decorative items were missing from the walls and the shelves. Dan made a mental note to ask her about it later. He kicked off his shoes and lay down on the bed that he would be sharing with Jack.

It only took 3 rings for Phil to answer the phone, at which point he greeted Dan with a soft "hello love."

"Hi." 

"So you got there safe, how are Jack and Louise?" Phil asked, yawning slightly.

"They're both good, Jack and I went over some ideas for the radio on our way. Are you tired Phil, not been sleeping?"

"I hate sleeping without you, I don't like it one bit and Martyn's spare bed is really uncomfortable!" Phil complained. 

"Yes, I remember! And that's sweet but it's only a few more days and then we'll be together again! Have you told Martyn and your parents yet?" Dan asked.

"Yeah, they’re really pleased, mum cried - unsurprisingly though!" He informed his partner, however before Dan was able to reply he heard the voice of said emotional woman in the distance. 

"Daniel! Oh Daniel I'm so happy, I could never ask for a better son in law, you've been part of our family for such a long time now, I'm glad it'll be official," she snivelled down the phone. "Phil tells me that you've already had thoughts on the wedding, I am so excited, a summer wedding sounds perfect."

"Thanks Mum, Phil and I are very happy!" Dan's use of the word mum caused the older woman to continue to remind him how much of an important role he played in their family and how much they loved him and how proud they were of him and Phil.

"Sorry about that!" Phil exclaimed once he was able to reclaim his mobile phone. 

"No, it's fine, I've missed your mother a lot recently! Sounds like that won't be a problem up until the wedding!" Dan laughed, smiling at the thought. 

"I wish I was with you," Phil mumbled sadly, "a week is too long to be apart!" 

"I miss you so much." 

"How much?" Phil replied smugly.

"I'll show you when you get home." 

"I have to go as we're going out for dinner but I'll see you soon okay love?" Phil informed unwillingly.

"I love you, Phil."

"I love you too, Dan." Phil hung up after that, leaving Dan to smile to himself for a moment before descending down the stairs to where his friends were located.

...

It wasn't until the next morning that Dan begun to feel nervous about telling his friends. It was completely irrational to be worried about their reactions, as both Louise and Jack supported their relationship through everything. Yet here Dan was, struggling to keep down the single slice of toast he'd forced himself to eat earlier this morning, his legs shaking ridiculously and his mind dancing carelessly across every negative thought.

Luckily for Dan, he never had to pluck up the courage to tell them. His inability to filter the thoughts that he thus shared aloud managed to save him from that. 

The four of them had decided to take Darcy to the park for the afternoon, wanting to get out into the warm summer sun.

Louise and Dan were lent up against the railing that bordered the playground, relaxing in a contented silence when Dan blurred out, "Louise, how long do you have to be in a relationship with someone to have a child with them?" 

Louise turned away from Jack and Darcy who she'd been admiring playing together on the monkey bars to Dan who didn't seem fazed by his own question. "I don't think you can put a time scale on it, it's more the stability of your relationship and whether or not you would make suitable parents than the length of time you've been together. Why do you ask?"

"I lied about why I wanted to see you. I have some news and it isn’t nothing like I told you earlier." 

"You're not ill are you?" Louise asked, grabbing the hand that wasn't stuffed in his pocket and had hung loosely at his side.

"No, no nothing like that, Phil and I are engaged," he replied smiling down at the grass beneath his feet.

"Oh my god!" screamed Louise who was clearly delighted, attracting the attention of both Darcy and Jack who had just reached the bottom of the slide. She pounced on Dan, hugging him tightly whilst saying her congratulations into his chest. 

"What's going on?" Jack asked, approaching the pair who were still locked in an embrace.

"Phil and I are getting married!" Dan announced, trying to contain the massive grin that was now spreading across his features. 

"Wow, congratulations mate, when did that happen?" Jack laughed, failing to hug him do to the fact that Louise was still clinging to him.

"About two weeks ago." 

"Yes - and how did it happen, who proposed, where was it, did you cry? I bet he did cry, Dan always cries!" Louise gushed to Jack.

Dan thought back to how perfect it had been and begun to explain.

"Phil and I are looking into adoption - I know that we hadn't told you but we didn't want anyone to be disappointed. Although, I say looking into adoption, we were approved about 3 months ago and we're waiting on news. We've been recommended as parents to a new born baby." Dan informed them, cringing slightly at their expressions.

"You're going to be dads?" Louise choked out, before bursting into tears, "I think I need a minute." 

Once Louise had stopped crying, Dan continued, "Well, I was feeling a bit worried a few weeks ago. I was scared that we'd split up and that our baby would have to be brought up by just one of us. And I'm not saying that being a single parent is necessarily a bad thing but neither Phil nor I could do it alone."

"Dan, you'll both be fantastic parents," Jack told him kindly.

"Thanks. Well, about two weeks later, I came home late in the evening after spending the day in meetings and..."

Dan half ran up the stairs in search of Phil to tell him about the new ideas he'd had for his video he'd been struggling with, however when he reached the top he noticed that the whole flat was in total darkness. He walked into Phil's room to see if he was asleep but was disappointed by the sight of an unoccupied bed. It was only when he entered his own bedroom that he finally understood.

It was filled with candles, their warm yellow glow illuminating the otherwise dark room. Their bed had been scattered with deep red rose petals, a total cliche that filled his stomach with butterflies. 

"What's going on?" Dan whispered to Phil who was perched on the edge of their bed. Phil got up, taking Dan's hands and making him take the space he had previously been seated. He got on his knees in front of Dan, sitting back on his heels whilst clutching at his partners hands.

"Sometimes, I think you forget how much you mean to me, how much I love you and how much you've changed my life. Everything I've ever done that has been important in my life has been with you, because you make me so incredibly happy and I never want to do anything without you. When I look at our book, I still get overwhelmed because that's me and you and our adventures together and since then even, we've done enough things to fill an entire new one. I look at you and I feel so proud of what you've achieved and what you've become because I've never seen anyone so perfect," Phil told him, wiping the tears from his partners eyes. 

"Phil," Dan whispered softly.

"I know you're scared, I understand that but you have to believe me when I say that I have faith in you and me and our relationship. We've managed 7 years and so many ups and downs that becoming parents is just another puzzle for us to work out. I don't think this needs saying but I want to spend the rest of my life with you, me and you and our child," Dan begun to sob when he realised the direction in which this was going. "I love you so much and I can promise you that I always will, so will you marry me Dan?"

A small "yes" was heard between Dan's sobs as he clung to Phil. Phil placed the ring from his pocket on Dan's finger, pulling him into a kiss. 

...

Dan, Jack, and Louise spent the rest of the afternoon in the park, taking Darcy down to the pond to feed the ducks before dropping her off at her dad's. 

"Wine?" Louise offered, pouring three glasses without waiting for their response. "Dan, I actually have some news for you too."

"Really? Is it good or bad?" Dan queried, looking deeply confused by the entire situation. 

“Well, I really hope that you’ll see it as good. I probably should have told you before but I’ve been all over the place recently and I wanted everything to go through before I told everyone, but Darcy and I are moving to London!” Louise announced, putting her hands over her mouth to hide her grin.

“That’s amazing! Oh my god, when?” Dan asked, waving his hands about in excitement.

“In two and half weeks! I’ve been looking since Matt and I split and I feel like I need to make a new start. The house is currently being done up but I’m going to stay with Jack and Hazel from next Wednesday and we’ll start with the unpacking and Darcy’s moving in, in a few weeks.” 

“So that’s why there are boxes everywhere!” Dan laughed.

“Yep, oh and this means that I can help with wedding planning and babysitting when you have the baby! I’m really excited for this now. I get to be closer to you and Jack and GHzel and everyone!” 

“But, most importantly me.” Jack teased.

“I think you’ll find that Dan has overtaken you in the best friend category!”

“Sorry about that mate.” Dan nudged him, laughing.

“Just because he and Phil are all domesticated and you’ll get to have more parent friends doesn’t mean that I am not your favourite person in the world!” 

As the night played out the three of them found themselves curled up on the sofa, an old rom com playing on the television in the background, all three of them slightly tipsy.

Louise had dug out several of the scrapbooks she’d put together of Darcy when she was younger, telling the other two stories of her experiences learning to be a new mum. 

“When you were pregnant, did you want a girl or a boy?” Dan asked, flicking the page to see a picture of Darcy in the first dress that Louise had ever got her.

“I was so desperate for a girl, I can't even tell you, but I don't think I would have been at all disappointed if I'd been having a boy, I guess I was just excited to be becoming a mum!” she replied, beaming at the images of her daughter.

“I don't think I even care you know, whether I have a girl or a boy, I just want a happy healthy baby. The weird thing is that even though me and Phil aren't even parents yet, every time we go to clear out the office to turn it into the baby's room, I can't help but think that we’ll do an amazing job. Like, I know that I'll love this child more than anything and I think that part of me already does,” Dan said carefully, putting his feelings into a somewhat coherent bunch of words.

“I don't doubt that the pair of you will be fantastic parents for one moment mate,” Jack told him sincerely before letting out a loud cackle at a picture of a three year old Darcy dressed in her mother's clothes.

“What about you Jack? Do you think you’ll ever have kids?” 

“We’ve not even been living together a year yet, but I guess yeah, I do. Me and Hazel have talked about it and I guess it's what we both want at some point,” he replied, looking out the window to hide the big grin on his face.

“You two are so in love it's sickening!” Louise giggled, shoving him slightly.

“We’re not in love, we don't even like each other!” Jack tried to defend but the soft smile on his lips gave him away  
….

Dan had never been good at goodbyes, they always upset him more than he was comfortable with. So bidding a slightly tearful Louise farewell at 9 o'clock the following evening overwhelmed him a bit. However the thought of Louise living close by overshadowed any negativity and by the time he and Jack had gotten onto their train, his smile had returned.

The pair were sat side by side in the empty first class carriage, each had one headphone in their ear and were sat in contented silence.

"How long has it been since you've seen Phil again?" Jack asked out of the blue.

"Nearly 8 days." Dan replied sadly.

"Do you miss him?" he asked, not noticing Dan tensing up at his question.

"Dan?" he prompted.

Dan turned away from Jack, running his neck with his hand self consciously, "I always miss him when we're not together, it's just that eight days is a pretty long time and I feel safe when I'm with Phil. I guess I'm just so used to always being with him that it's weird when we're apart."

"I don't believe in soulmates, however you and Phil are starting to make me reconsider."

... 

It was approaching 1 o'clock in the morning by the time Jack and Dan said their goodbyes and departed to get on their respective underground trains home. Dan sat contentedly in the near empty carriage, eagerly thinking of how soon he would be reunited with Phil. 

Upon exiting the tube station, Dan decided to take a detour to the nearby Tesco so that he could surprise Phil with a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine. He walked through the dimly lit car park, not registering that it was deserted and that the lights inside the shop were off. When he finally does pick up on the fact that he's alone in the dark, late at night, his blood runs cold.

His stomach dropped as he heard footsteps coming from somewhere in the darkness. His head darts around, trying to see the person approaching but before he can register what’s happening he's being pinned down. Dan goes to scream but thin bony fingers are thrust over his mouth, making it increasingly harder to breathe.

He began thrashing about, trying to toss his attacker off of his back but ends up being rolled onto his back and swiftly receives a punch to the face. As Dan felt his belt start to be unbuckled, he caught the eyes of his attacker, the remorseless glint terrifying him to his core. Despite being battered around the head repeatedly, Dan stayed conscious throughout the entirety of his assault. 

He felt everything. 

Every excruciating thrust that made him feel like he was being ripped in two. 

Every disgusting moan that made him want to throw up. 

Every tightening of the hands that held him down, causing finger shaped bruising.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot to upload the entire fic, most of its written and I feel like I've got to do it justice and give it a proper ending, many more chapters to come, hope you enjoy xx

Dan and Phil were a couple that thrived on safety and the reassurance that at least one of them was taking responsibility of them both. That was why they’d kept the agreement that if one of them would be coming home late at night, the other would wait up for them. This had been the system that they'd agreed on for more than 4 years, however nonetheless Phil was far too used to Dan arriving at a significantly later time than he’d promised. It wasn’t that Dan was unreliable or that he went out partying particularly often, especially not without Phil, but it was that nine times out of ten, Dan would be so intoxicated that the evening would end with Phil getting a phone call from one of Dan's friends saying that he'd passed out or that he needs to be taken home. Dan was most definitely a lightweight and although Dan paid no attention to that little fact, it often left Phil waiting worriedly at home.

Tonight, however, Phil's uneasy feeling was not due to concern of Dan's alcohol consumption. It was due to the fact that Dan was so excited to see him. So, where the bloody hell was he? He knew that Dan was supposed to arrive home between 1:30pm and 2:00pm, so why was it then, that Dan was nowhere to be seen. If his train was delayed, he would have phoned. He wouldn't have gone out. He wouldn't do that. 

Would he? 

As 3:00pm became 3:30pm, Phil found himself pacing around the flat, mind racing over every possible situation that Dan could have found himself in. Had he been injured on his journey home? Had someone kidnapped him? Had he been arrested? Every passing second drove him further and further into a state of panic and so he grabbed his red jacket, pulled on his shoes and went to find out what had happened to his fiancé. Phil half-ran there, as the couple lived only a five minute walk from the nearest tube station. Upon reaching the station, Phil flagged down a security guard.

"Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you but I'm looking for my friend, he should have come through here earlier," he asked the tall man. 

"You're that guy from the radio," he replied, pointing at Phil in recognition.

"Yeah, my friend Dan, he should have come through here about two hours ago."

"Tall chap, dark brown hair? Yeah, I saw him earlier, he looked pretty excited if you ask me!" the man replied. Phil thanked him before rushing to the exit and retracing the routes Dan could have taken home. 

Another ten minutes passed by and Dan was nowhere to be found. Phil called him repeatedly, to no avail, hoping that he might just get lucky. He checked his watch, 3:46 it read. Dan hated the dark, meaning that there was no way in hell that he would willingly wander the streets at night. The lonely atmosphere would be sure to frighten him and Dan's natural instinct was to call Phil whenever he felt scared or in any kind of danger, be it from others or from himself.

As Phil processed this in his mind, he was jogged out of his spiral of worry and alerted to a siren. The sound of an ambulance and the flashing lights approaching him made his mind run. And he knew. He just knew that it had something to do with Dan. Phil sprinted faster than he ever realised he was able to after the ambulance, his heart dropping as he entered the car park of their local Tescos to find a police car already occupying the area.

There was a body.

Phil continued to run, finding himself in a state of shock despite knowing what he was going to find. Dan was lying there on the floor, a red blanket provided by the police woman who knelt by his side covering his body. The young man's eyes were wide open but he was unresponsive to the questions he was being asked and the scene around him.

"Dan," Phil half breathed, watching on in fear as the paramedic lifted him into a trolley. "Can someone please explain to me what's going on."

"Sorry, who are you?" questioned the police woman, taking out her notebook and taking notes.

"Phil, Phil Lester, that's my fiancé, Dan Howell!" Phil replied, hurriedly.

"Ok, how did you know he was here then Mr Lester?" Phil explained the nights previous events, describing his worry for his partner and his desire to join him on his journey to the hospital.

"Of course, we'll see you at the hospital and take a statement from your partner when he's in a better state," she agreed before retreating to her car.

Phil clambered into the back of the ambulance to find the paramedic talking to a seemingly still unresponsive Dan. She had taken relevant check ups without his permission having realised that he was in no position to consent. 

"Are you able to tell me if you're in any pain?" 

No response.

"Are you able to tell me what happened?"

No response.

"Can you hear me?" 

No. Response.

"Can I speak to him? He's my fiancé," Phil explained in a calm whisper.

"Keep him calm."

Phil took the paramedics place and sat beside Dan, who lay in a slightly upright position on the trolley, watery eyes fixed on the ceiling of the ambulance. Phil took Dan's hand in one of his own, stroking the back of it in an attempt to get Dan to recognise his touch. He placed the other hand on his cheek, carefully avoiding the bust lip and bloody nose.

"Dan? Can you hear me, love? What happened to you?" At that, Dan turned to him, looking him dead in the eye before beginning to sob. Phil looked to the paramedic for permission before joining Dan and holding him into his chest, rocking him slightly as he sobbed violently. 

"I'm so sorry Phil, I tried to stop him, I didn't want him to, you have to believe me!" Dan sobbed, telling Phil everything he needed to hear to confirm his suspicions.

"I believe you, I promise. However, you need to listen to me. We're going to go to the hospital now and the doctors are going to take care of you, you need to let them do that. I swear to you that I'm not going to leave you, but I need you to be brave. Can you do that for me, Dan?" Dan gave a small nod in reply, allowing Phil to sit in the seat next to him.

The journey to the hospital was in total silence, the only noise coming from the machine detecting Dan's enhanced heart rate. Upon arriving at the hospital, they were taken into one of the bay's in the Emergency department.

"Daniel Howell, 25, found in the car park of a shopping centre earlier this morning. He was unconscious at the scene and has several lacerations to the face. He has finger shaped bruising to his wrists and neck," the paramedic informed a tall, dark haired man, handing him a file. "This is his fiancé, Phil Lester."

"Thank you. Mr. Lester, would you please take a seat in the waiting area whilst we examine Mr. Howell?"

"I want him with me!" Dan announced, before forcing himself to sit up and wincing in pain.

"That's fine, I'm Doctor Maynard and this is nurse Tate," he informed them, gesturing to the young, ginger haired nurse who was already beginning to run tests. "We're going to move you onto the bed, I need you to push yourself over."

As the two medical professionals moved Dan, the red stain left on the white sheet caught both Phil and Dr. Maynard's attention. The pair looked up at each other, acknowledging that this was going to be difficult. 

Difficult was an understatement.

Difficult was a major understatement.

...

After the wounds to Dan's face were stitched up, the bruises on both Dan's stomach and chest were checked for any breaks in the skin - to which there were none. The doctor didn't flag up his concerns of any further injuries, having taken Phil aside for a few moments whilst Dan was being checked over and agreed that it was best to allow him to speak to the police before going to the rape clinic.

"Dan, the police are here to speak with you to take a statement. Are you ok with that?"

He turned to his partner, eyes begging for reassurance which Phil obliged with a prompting nod. The female police officer from before took the place of Dr. Maynard and sat down beside Phil who was holding Dan's hand.

"Dan, can you explain to me, in as much detail as you can, how you got your injuries?”

"I-" Dan looked down, ashamed of the truth.

"Take your time, Dan, I understand that this is going to be very hard for you.”

"I was on my way home from staying away. My friend Jack - Jack Howard - and I got the train home and separated once w-we got on the tube. I was walking home, Phil and I hadn't s-seen each other all week so I went to get him some flowers. I wanted to do a n-nice thing for my f-fiancé but then I-" Dan stopped there, looking down at his lap in shame, tears making their way down his cheeks as he silently sobbed. 

"Dan, what happened?" Phil prompted, running the hand that Dan wasn't clutching tightly, through his own messy hair.

"I was walking through the car park in the dark and someone pinned me down. He was strangling me so tight that I could barely breathe. I t-tried to kick him off me but he grabbed my hair and slammed my face into the ground." Dan didn't lift his head during the entire time he spoke.

"What do you remember after that?"

"Everything. I remember everything that he did." Dan admitted, the feeling of emptiness beginning to invade his body once again.”

"What did he do to you Dan?" the police officer inquired, needing him to explicitly explain.

“You can't make me say it, please don't make me say it,” his hoarse voice trembled violently. as he spoke.

“I'm so sorry Dan but I have to.”

"He… He um… He raped me."

The police officer finished taking his statement, explaining that they'd be in touch as soon as possible. Dan chose to avoid making eye contact by not looking up the entire time she spoke. 

Phil turned to Dan, hoping that he'd say something but was met with utter silence. Dan did, however, continue to cling to Phil's hand, which in all truthfulness brought more comfort to Phil than it did to his partner. 

It wasn't long before they were joined by their doctor again and Dan was taken to the rape clinic. 

Despite him being asked to leave, Dan wouldn't allow it, so Phil stayed by Dan's side throughout the entire examination. Dan needed him. Phil watched as Dan was rolled onto his front, and saw how Dan had been taken by force. 

Force.

Dan had been forced into this and Phil could never take the hurt away.

A swab for DNA was taken. Followed by the tests for STI's. Followed by a long conversation between the couple and the nurse to discuss future counselling. 

Dan rejected the idea.

...

Following the exchange of a prescription for painkillers and a half hearted promise to consider help, Dan was finally discharged at 4pm. The couple had always maintained the fact that they had no need for a car, however it was times like now that they had no desire to sit in the back of a taxi. Dan allowed Phil to wrap an arm around him, resting his head on his chest and listening to the quick beating of his heart. Upon arriving home, Phil unlocked the front door and helped Dan, who was still in a great deal of pain, up the several flights of stairs to their bedroom. 

"You need to have a bath," Phil stated, Dan only nodding in reply. "Would you like me to help you?" 

"Please," Dan croaked out, nuzzling his head into Phil's neck.

Phil sat him down on the black and white bed sheets, leaving him there whilst he ran a bath. He avoided using any soap in case it caused further discomfort to Dan's wounds, not wanting to be any more responsible for Dan's pain than he already felt he was. He rushed up the stairs to Dan once he'd finished, finding him lying on the bed in a fetal position, softly crying again. 

"Dan?" Phil whispered, reaching out to run his hand over Dan's back. 

Dan jerked away at his touch, grabbing hold of Phil and pushing him to the floor in what he thought was defence.

"Dan?" Phil whispered, trying to remain calm at the realisation that Dan was having a panic attack. 

It wasn't something Phil was unfamiliar to and it certainly hadn't come unexpectedly. He knew the cycle of the attacks: Dan would push Phil away, occasionally lashing out depending on the severity. He wasn't just a danger to others either, he would claw at his own skin, attempting to rid himself of whatever pain or fear or anger he was experiencing. 

All Phil had to do was calm him down, make him realise that he was in a safe environment.

All Phil had to do. 

Like this was an easy task when Dan was pushing himself further and further into a hole of self hate and fear. 

Phil was more terrified of Dan during attacks than anything. Not Dan himself, but the look of terror in his eyes as he lashed out and the change that it would make into one of self deprecation as he came back to rationality. Because he was quite simply irrational during these outbursts. 

"Dan? You need to breathe for me, in and out. In and out," Phil told him, getting to his feet as Dan backed himself into a corner. "It's me, it's Phil, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm safe. I'm good. You're safe with me." 

Phil began to approach Dan, stopping a few feet away to allow Dan to adjust to the close proximity. It was only when Dan dropped his arms from where he'd been using them to protect himself, that Phil stepped into Dan's space. Dan slumped against him and began to sob once again. 

They stayed in their embrace for a few minutes longer before Phil took Dan by the waist and walked him down the stairs to their bathroom. Phil stripped him of his white, moth covered shirt that was stained with blood at the collar, it was tossed to the floor, followed by his black jeans. He looked away for a moment, willing himself not to cry as Dan stood there in his pale blue boxers, the bottom half of which were blood covered. Those too joined his clothes on the floor and Phil helped Dan get into the bath, noticing him flinch as he lifted his leg.

Phil washed away the congealed blood from his hair, using a pot to pour the warm water over his head. He then took a sponge from the side and wiped away the blood and dirt from his face, taking extra care around the area of the now stitched up wound on his forehead. 

Once he cleaned the entirety of Dan's body, he asked Dan if he was comfortable with Phil joining him. He was. So Phil removed his clothes - remaining in his boxers - and climbed into the bath behind Dan, gently pulling Dan into him to rest his head upon Phil's chest.

"I love you," Phil whispered into Dan's ear as he stroked his wet hair.

He got no reply.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been more than two weeks since the attack. Dan hadn't yet left the house and Phil, terrified to leave his fiancé alone - even for an hour - had been condemned to do the same.

"Dan, you need to get out of bed!" Phil urged, desperately trying to coax him without appearing angry and harsh.

"No."

"I understand that you're not ready to tell people what happened, but hiding away from everyone is never going to help you!" Phil continued, hoping that he'd be able to get through to the stubborn 25 year old. 

"I want them to know, I just don't want to tell them. How can I sit there in front of my family and tell them what he did!" Dan sat up and looked at Phil, seeing how worn out he was.

"We can do this together, I'm not going to leave you. You're not on your own Dan, you need to remember that." 

Dan only nodded in reply, opening up his arms to invite Phil to climb back into bed. Phil quickly obliged and it wasn't long before they'd both fallen asleep. They lost half of their day to a restless slumber before Dan’s night terrors triggered a full scale panic attack. The aftermath of which saw Phil with a bruised right cheek and Dan blaming himself. 

It wasn't Dan's fault.

It was never Dan's fault.

...

It was 4 o'clock the following afternoon and Phil was rushing around the house in search of Dan's hair straighteners. He'd hidden them in case Dan picked them up during one of his out bursts, however Phil was now more scared of the tantrum he would have if he was forced to have 'hobbit hair' in front of company, even if it was in front of his own parents. He found them 10 minutes later in his 'crate of stuff' that sat at the end of his bed in his 'show bedroom'. He then proceeded to straighten the hair of a particularly disgruntled Dan, finishing just as the doorbell rang.

Phil lead Dan into the living room, asking him to stay there before rushing Dan the stairs to get the front door.

"Mr and Mrs Howell, Adrian, please come in," Phil said in the most cheerful tone he could muster. 

"Phil," Dan's mother said rather uncomfortably.

"Look, Dan and I need to talk to you about something. It's not what you want to hear but you have to listen and I'm really sorry. Know that now, I'm sorry and I failed him." 

"Phil, what are you on about?" Adrian spoke up, looking between Phil and his parents before running past them and up the stairs where he found Dan huddled into the corner of the sofa, his shoulders slumped forward as he stared into space. "Dan, what's wrong?" 

"I- Adrian I-" Dan begun to stutter out.

"Dan, sweetheart, what's going on? Talk to us," his mother urged, kneeling in front of him, "Has Phil done something to you?"

"No!" Dan almost shouted at her.

"Let's all sit down and give Dan some space," his father interjected, allowing Phil to sit beside Dan and wrap a protective arm around his shoulder, causing Dan's parents to share a disapproving glance.

"Phil, can you..." Dan whispered, looking down at his lap again.

"A few weeks ago, I went away to my parents and Dan went to visit our friends up North. He got the late train home and on his way home from the station he was attacked," Phil explained simply.

"What do you mean attacked?" Adrian asked, staring at the scar on Dan's head.

"He was raped."

Dan's father stood up without speaking, leaving the room. His mother, on the other hand, raised her hand to her mouth before beginning to sob loudly, she stared at Dan, who looked anywhere but his mother’s eyes. That was to be expected. His father had always struggled to let his family see him upset, so he would obviously take a few moments of privacy. His mum was the opposite, an extremely emotional woman who cared for her family more than anything. 

Adrian was the one who surprised Phil. The two siblings had struggled with a lot over the last few years, their relationship varying massively in closeness. However, he - not unlike his father - rose from his seat in silence, before walking to Phil who left Dan's side and stood. He then sat beside his brother, taking him into his arms and holding him. Adrian begun to whisper into Dan's ear, talking to him softly, causing Dan to look into the eyes of the smaller boy, who was clung to his chest. 

...

After what seemed like hours to the disjointed family, the five of them all sat awkwardly in the living room once again. 

"Dan, would you like to come home?" his mother asked, before adding, "not permanently, just until you're coping a little better."

"I am coping! And anyway, Phil can take care of me," Dan replied defensively.

"Wouldn't you be better off with your family?" his father continued.

"Phil is my family, we're getting married!" Dan replied, slipping his hand into Phil's.

"Not this again," his father begun.

"Dad, whether you like it or not, at some point you're going to have to accept that Phil and I are together and that I'm gay. I'm your son, do I not mean more to you than your prejudices?"

"Dan, don't make us seem like monsters, we just don't feel that your relationship with Phil is entirely healthy," his mum replied, her kind tone contrasting the less than pleasant words.

"Well we're getting married, so if you can't accept that then you can forget about seeing your grandchild!" Dan responded, his tone more confident than it had been in weeks.

"Grandchild?"

"Dan and I have been accepted by an adoption agency to become the parents of a newborn baby," Phil explained, smiling softly at his fiancé.

"You really are serious about all this?" Dan's father said, his words faltering slightly.

"Incredibly so. We want to start a family together and we want to do it with your approval." 

"Then you have it," Dan's mother replied softening a great deal, "Dan, you know that we don't have an issue with you being gay, you're our son and we love you. You also know that we adore Phil, however we've always been afraid that because he's older than you that- well I'm sure you can imagine our worries when you were 17 and dating a man of 22 whom you'd met on the Internet."

"Well that's all in the past now, your mother and I need to accept this and we will. We have. Phil, we haven't ever told you how grateful we are for the way you've supported Dan over the last few years and we're sorry. He's only where he is now, because of you," Dan's father concluded. "And now we need to be here for you." 

"I have to leave for a few hours, I don't feel comfortable with leaving Dan alone, so would you be able to stay with him until I return?" Phil asked politely, unable to find the words to respond to his fiance's parents so choosing to avoid it all together.

"I'll stay with Dan, we have a few things to catch up on and we barely see each other, I can get a train back to uni," Adrian spoke up, praying internally that his parents would leave.

"As long as you're sure," Mrs. Howell rose from her seat to kiss both of her sons on the cheek before turning to Phil and wrapping her arms around him tightly. "Thank you," she whispered so that no one else could hear.

Much to the surprise of the three young men, Mr. Howell also gave Phil a hug, patting him softly on the back before leaving, promising that they'd keep in touch over the coming days.

... 

He hadn't meant to call Louise in a panic the day before, he hadn't intended on worrying the women to the point that she insisted that he allow her to see him the next day, but here Phil was, standing at St Pancras with his hood over his head. 

He isn't waiting for her long and as soon as he sees her, he manages to force a vague smile onto his face. The past few weeks had exhausted him to the point that there he had very little care over what anyone else thought anymore.

"Phil what's going on? Why is Dan not with you?" Louise enquires, immediately pulling him into a close embrace. 

"Can we just get out of here?" Phil replied, dodging her questions completely, anxious that their conversation would be overheard.

"Yeah of course, we can jump in a cab and go back to mine if you want,” Louise suggested, not really sure how to respond to the unrecognizable man before her.

In the cab, Phil stared out of the window abscently, he couldn't bare to look Louise in the eye when he felt so helpless. He knew that as song as her turned his head, he’d be met with her worried face and the thought just filled him with dread.

Once their journey came to an end, Louise paid the fare and lead Phil into her unfurnished house, entering the lounge where she plonked herself down on the sofa.

“Phil?” she asked carefully as he stood, lingering in the doorway, “is everything alright?”

She never received a reply to her question as Phil proceeded to break down in tears, burying his head in his arms as he sobbed. Louise jumped from her seat to try to comfort him but he just began to cry louder, his muffled screams ringing in her ears. 

“Phil, calm down,” she said softly, pulling him into her arms where he clung to her desperately. They stood there for several minutes, Phil holding her in a vice like hug as she attempted to calm him, however her words came out shakily and uncertain, every possible scenario running through her head. 

Once Phil’s sobs became nothing more than little hiccups, he pulled away, wiping his tear away embarrassedly, “I’m so sorry Louise, I didn't mean to get so upset.” 

“It's okay, don't worry about it, just please tell me what's going on because you're scaring me a little,” she replied as she ushered him to the sofa where they sat side by side, Phil pulling his knees up to his chest the moment he sat down. 

“Dan was attacked,” he whispered, staring ashamedly at the floor, “he went to get me some flowers on his way home after he left yours and some guy assaulted him.”

“When you say assaulted…” Louise trailed off, her mind filling in the blanks.

“He was raped,” Phil choked out, beginning to cry again.

"Phil, it's going to be okay," Louise told him softly, rubbing her hand on his back.

"It's not because it's my fault!" Phil exclaimed, causing Louise to pull away.

"Phil, you're not responsible for what happened to Dan," Louise tried to reassure him, her heart dropping at Phil's defeat.

"I am, I should have been there to get him from the station, he wouldn't have even been there if he hadn't wanted to get those bloody flowers! It's my fault that bastard attacked him and I want to kill him! I want to kill him with my bare hands!" Phil shouted, curling further into himself.

During the past two weeks, Phil had been too occupied with taking care of Dan that he'd completely neglected his own emotions. He was never a particularly emotional character but when it came to Dan, he was far more sensitive, far more protective than he'd ever been. Not that the hardest off people wouldn't been broken by watching their partner go through something for awful, but Phil never expected anything to affect him to that state. He'd been desperately holding in everything so as soon as he was away from Dan, it all just flooded out and for once, he just allowed it. Luckily for him, Louise completely understood that he didn't need to talk about it, he just needed to be able to cry and sob and shout. 

…

It took Phil about hour before he'd fully calmed down, his voice completely wrecked by his ranting that Louise had allowed to go uninterrupted the entire time. Rather than showering him with pity, she allowed him to curl up next to her on the sofa as she silently stroked his head, listening to him pour out his heart. Phil appreciated her understanding for the fact that there wasn't anything she could do to help; he didn't know what he'd do if she continuously tried to offer her advice when she had no understanding of what he was really going through.

“Phil,” Louise whispered to him, breaking the silence, “does Dan know you're here?”

“No,” he replied, exhausted.

 

"I'm going to let Dan know that you're okay. Is he alone?" 

"No, he's with his brother," Phil replied, staring out the window at the dark night sky.

Louise grabbed her phone that was buried in her pocket before calling the number of her friend.

"Hello love, it's Louise, are you ok?" she said softly.

"I think so," he replied, sounding absent.

"I'm with Phil, we're going to be with you in about an hour, are you and Adrian okay?" 

"Yeah, we're just talking. We're fine." 

Louise ended the conversation shortly afterwards, climbing off the sofa to go and fetch herself and Phil a hot drink.

...

Once Phil left the apartment, the two brothers sat in silence for a few minutes.

"So I'm going to be an uncle," Adrian pondered aloud.

"Looks like it," Dan smiled at him.

"And you're going to be a dad," Adrian said in disbelief.

"I suppose I am." 

"This is really cringe, Dan, but I kind of need to say it, now more than ever. I'm really proud of you, for all you've become and for all that you've left behind. You're going to make an amazing dad and I really wish I could be there to see it." 

"What do you mean? I didn't mean what I said about not allowing you to see the baby, I just wanted them to take us seriously."

"I should have told you before. I'm going to continue studying abroad in America, I got a place at a university out there for the last two years of my course and I start in September."

At that Dan begun to cry. He didn't ever think he was going to stop.

...

Four days later and the couple still hadn’t once left the house. Dan’s panic regarding the outside combined with Phil’s reluctance to leave him alone meant that neither of them would be seeing the world beyond the secure walls of their house any time soon. However, despite Dan’s adamancy of the disproven fact that he “had no friend’s”, those around them begun to stage an intervention after a discrete word from Louise. Starting with an early evening visit from Pj accompanied by bags full of food.

“How on earth do you put up with him being vegan? I swear, with you being lactose intolerant, your dietary requirements make shopping take twice as long as it should!” Pj laughed, helping Phil put the food away into the fridge and their various cupboards.

“I suppose we’re just used to it. I mean, I’m happy as long as he’s being sensible with it and he knows that I’m not going to allow a repeat of last year. Just because he cut out animal produce does not mean that he can live off purely fruit and vegetables and ending up in hospital because he’s passed out,” Phil said, putting a carton of orange juice in the fridge.

“On tour too, I mean what on earth was he thinking,” Pj commented, remembering the incident in question.

“You should have seen how much I fed him to get him back to a normal weight,” Phil replied light-heartedly, regretting that he hadn’t been more forceful over the subject of Dan’s weight, “I’m just thankful that he recognised that it was a problem, you’ve seen Dan when he’s being stubborn, it’s never fun!”

Before any more could be said on the matter, the landline phone began to ring, “Dan, can you get it?” Phil called to Dan, who he’d left sat in the lounge. The ringing ceased seconds later.

“PHIL!” came a panicked shout from Dan less than a minute later. Instinctively, both Phil and Pj raced into the living room, where they found Dan on the sofa, tears pouring down his cheeks, his outstretched hand holding a phone.

Pj took the phone from Dan’s hands whilst Phil took Dan into his arms, rocking him lovingly in attempt to calm him down. Dan’s sobs drowned out the noise of the conversation that Pj was having down the phone, however Phil was still able to see the concerned look on Pj’s face. Once Pj terminated the conversation, he walked over to where the pair were sat on the sofa and took a moment to form an appropriate sentence.

“That was the police. They need you to go to the station and identify the man they’ve arrested.”


	4. Chapter 4

Not long later, the pair found themselves sat in an interview at the police station waiting for the Detective Sergeant that was running the investigation into Dan’s attack to return with the images for identification. Dan clutched Phil’s hand as his legs shook with anxiety, eyes fixated on the closed door in front of him. A loud knock and a reassuring hand squeeze from Phil later and they were in the company of the friendly, young police officer once again.

“We arrested a man in the early hours of this morning after he attacked a 19 year old boy in the car park where you were assaulted, Mr Howell. We believe that he is responsible for your attack and he’s already being charged with attempted rape for his criminal activity this morning. I have some pictures and I was wondering if you would be able to try to identify the man that attacked you,” she asked him, passing him a folder that contained a list of pictures of 26 men.

Dan sat in silence for several minutes, eyes scanning over the page repeatedly before he pointed to a skinny faced brunet, “him. It was definitely him.”

Phil looked over at the picture, eyes sparking in fury despite his attempts to stay calm. Dan grabbed his hand, trying to find some comfort as he wished away the memories that were returning to the forefront of his mind. The proud look that had been in the man’s eyes as Dan had begun to sob in pain replayed over and over in his head. The ghostlike feeling of hands restraining his wrists made each hair on his arm stand on end. The imaginary echo of heavy breathing in his ear sent a violent shiver down his spine.

“Are you sure?” the sergeant asked, dragging him from the panic in his mind.

“Certain.”

“I’ll be back in a little while,” she said, leaving the couple to sit and wait.

Dan begun to panic as the length of her absence increased, every scenario going through his mind. Was the man going to admit to what he’d done? Was he going to have to stand in front of this man during a trial? Was he going to have to tell an entire court of how he was held down against his will and raped?

"Jonathan Beningfield - the man you identified - is being charged awaiting a court date," announced the detective upon entering the room. The couple had waited for over an hour before she returned, barely uttering a word to each other. 

"What does that mean?" Phil spoke up first, squeezing Dan's hand, hoping to provide a small amount of comfort.

"He denies your allegations and has an alibi. However it's pretty flimsy and I'm almost certain that it won't stand up in court. He will be charged for his other offence regardless. If you choose to take this further then he could get a lot longer," she explained to them.

"You mean if I stand up in court," Dan said, staring hard at the table between them.

"Yes. He's being released on bail for the time be-" she was cut off by an enraged Phil.

"You what! That man is going to be able to walk around like a free man until his court date! He'll do it again, you can't allow someone like that to walk the streets, it's not safe!" Phil kicked off.

"What if he tries to find me. It's pretty easy, he could turn up to where I work, I'm not difficult to track down!" Dan cried in desperation. 

"One of the conditions to his bail is that he isn't allowed out anywhere near you," the detective defended herself.

"He's a bloody rapist! Do you think that would make much of a difference? Do you think someone like him cares? He didn't care when I was begging him to get off of me! He didn't stop!" Dan sobbed, before walking out of the room where they'd been seated.

Dan found himself in the near-dark car park, the previously setting sun producing a deep orange glow that illuminated everything around him. He rushed to Pj's car where he'd stayed for the duration of their interviews with the police. Upon seeing Dan frantically make his way to his car, he climbed out, allowing Dan to grab onto him for dear life.

"What's going on, what's happened?" Pj asked, holding Dan tightly whilst looking around for Phil who came running out shortly after. "Phil what's happened?"

"I need you to take Dan back to our apartment and you have to stay with him," Phil told him, looking anywhere but at Pj's eyes.

"Why? Where are you going?" Pj asked, standing in front of Phil to get some answers out of him.

"Get out of my way, Pj," Phil replied quickly, agitated beyond Pj's recognition.

"Phil, you can't just leave him, he needs you! Do you not think that disappearing whilst he's scared out of his wits isn't a selfish thing to do! He's your fiancé, Phil, he needs you more than anyone," Pj attempted to reason with him to no avail.

“I can’t do this. I said get out of my way!”

“Are you coming back?” Pj asked, putting an arm around Dan who had begun to cry.

“I’m sorry,” Phil choked out and with that, he walked away from the pair.

...

Dan stayed silent the entire journey home, left totally unprompted by Pj who was still completely unaware of what had happened in the police station. It was 9 o'clock once they reached home and Pj was very conscious of the fact that Dan had barely eaten. He lead Dan into the lounge and knelt in front of him.

"Dan, I'm going to make you some dinner. Want anything in particular?" Dan shook his head in response so Pj, forgetting Phil's request, left Dan alone in the lounge and begun to cook the pasta he'd bought earlier that day.

He spent almost 45 minutes preparing vegetables, cooking pasta and making a vegan suitable sauce for Dan. And for 45 minutes Dan was left completely alone. Alone to think and panic. Alone and unheard.

“Dan,” Pj called from the living room, removing the earphones from his ears, setting the bowl down on the table upon realising that Dan was not where he had been expecting to find him. “Dan, where are you?”

Pj walked into Dan’s room to find it empty and undisturbed so turned around to open the door to Phil’s. Dan was in the corner of the room, hands on his head as he stared wildly at the destruction he’d caused. Phil’s mirror was smashed, the blood on Dan’s hand immediately creating a link between what had happened. 

“Dan?” 

“Why did he leave me Pj?” 

"He- I don't know Dan."

"What if he never comes back?" Dan whispered, still not looking at Pj who stood in the doorway.

"Dan you can't think like that. But you know that no matter what you're not going to be left alone," Pj explained to him, approaching him slowly, "am I allowed to touch you?"

Dan nodded slowly in reply so Pj put one hand on his back and the other on his wrist and lead him down the stairs to his and Phil's bathroom. Pj moved his fingers slightly to check Dan's pulse which he found to be racing which came as little surprise.

Dan stopped talking at that point, absently staring into space whilst Pj tentatively cleaned away the blood on his hands and begun to put plasters over the angry cuts on his knuckles. For Dan's sake Pj stopped his fear from showing and smiled gently at him. But he was terrified. Terrified that Phil wouldn't return. Pj had been friends with Dan for 7 years and his friendship with Phil extended even that but during those years he'd never seen them happier than when they were together. They had created a future that neither of them dreamed was possible. He'd watched Phil grieve the loss of a friend and battle his nonexistent confidence to become a man cherished by millions. He'd watched Dan suffer at the hands of his own self hate and overcome the fear that had once encompassed his entire being to become a strong and well loved individual. But they were codependent. Getting through things alone was not something they had done in a very long thing and it was those struggles that had brought them together in the first place. Were they about to rip them apart?

Pj was interrupted by Dan who voice was low and raspy, "maybe it was a good thing that I was attacked."

"What?" Pj blurted out in disbelief.

"For Phil at least," was his mumbled reply.

"Dan?" 

"Gave him an escape route didn't it. A chance to leave me without feeling guilty."

"Dan! Phil would never- he doesn't think- oh god Dan!" Pj struggled to form a sentence.

"He does. He left," Dan explained simply.

"That doesn't mean he's never coming back." 

The conversation ceased there and Pj lead Dan back upstairs. After pretending to attempt to eat the reheated meal that Pj prepared from him, Dan settled into the sofa, the blanket that Bryony made for Phil for his birthday keeping him warm. He had received a phone call from both his mother and Louise who has equally expressed their concern when he avoided all questions - despite their good intentions - regarding Phil and his attack. 

"Pj, do you think Phil ever actually loved me?" Dan asked unexpectedly breaking the silence that surrounded them.

"Honestly?" Pj asked, earning a soft nod, "I don't think Phil loves anyone more. Dan, even when you two first met he adored you and after what he went through I genuinely think that you made him better again. If he didn't love you then he wouldn't have stayed with you for the last seven years and he sure as hell wouldn't have proposed! The two of you are going through a difficult time. Everything will work itself out, even if it's not how you wanted it to. But don't ever doubt that Phil loved you more than anything!"

"I just want him to come home," Dan said softly, his voice catching in his throat slightly.

"Want a hug?" was Pj's response, who climbed over to sit under the covers with Dan at his nod. 

Pj allowed Dan to rest his head tiredly upon his chest, stroking his hair softly. It was half eleven when Dan finally allows himself to sleep, the soothing noise of Pj's calm heartbeat lulling him into unconsciousness. Pj however struggled to sleep, his hand still stroking Dan's hair as he continuously texted Phil to which he received no response. After an hour of trying to get hold of the dark haired man, Pj gave up, staring down at the tall man who had curled himself into Pj's body. He looked so helpless like this. Dan didn't deserve what happened. He didn't deserve to be deserted. He didn't deserve any of it.

It wasn't until half past one that a loud noise coming from downstairs woke the pair. Pj immediately scrambled to his feet, disturbing Dan from his slumber. As Pj tried to comprehend what was going on, Dan attempted to hide under the soft blanket. The sound of footsteps climbing up the stairs echoed around the apartment. 

Turning on the lights in the lounge and walking out into the dark hallway, Pj called out "hello?"

"Pj, it's me. Don't turn on the lights," was the shaky reply that came from the staircase.

"Phil? Where the fuck have you been!" Pj whispered angrily, not wanting Dan to know that he had returned home before he was able to question him.

"It doesn't matter, just go back in the lounge," Phil ceased to move from where he was hidden on the stairs.

Pj ignored all of his requests, turning on the light and strutting over to Phil who was stood on the staircase, his face hidden as he stared at the ground.

"Go away!"

"Phil what the fuck is going on!" Pj said, grabbing Phil's chin and forcing him to look up, earning a pained hiss from the dark haired man, "Phil?" he began more softly.

Phil stared up at him, his lips twitching in an attempt to smile. There was a bit of dried blood around his nose which looked like it could possibly be broken along with a raised lump on the left side of his forehead. 

"Who did this to you?"

"Don't tell Dan, please!"

"Don't tell me what?" came a small voice from the top of the stairs. "Phil what the fuck has happened to your face?"


	5. Chapter 5

It was five days after the events at the police station and Dan and Phil lay half asleep under blue and green covers. Phil's arms wrapped around Dan's frame, legs intertwined as they spooned. 

"You know, I really love you," Phil breathed into Dan's ear causing hairs to stand up on the back of his neck, "you're the best thing to have ever happened to me."

"Phil, please don't," Dan replied pulling out of Phil's arms, his voice sounding hurt.

"Dan I do love you, nothing will ever change that. I never want to be without you, I need you to understand that," Phil pleaded, touching the back of the arms of the man who lay facing away from him. 

"You don't have to lie to me. I know what happened changed things, stop pretending that it doesn't!" Dan replied sulkily, curling himself into a ball.

"You want me to prove that I love you? Well then let's announce our engagement. I want to marry you Dan and I want everyone to know how much I love you." 

"I thought it was going to be a secret, I thought you didn't want people to make a fuss," Dan rolled over to look at Phil, his face softening slightly.

"I know you said that you wanted to start working again, so why don't you. I spoke to Aled yesterday and he said that we can come back to the radio show whenever we want. Why don't we go back next week," Phil suggested, praying that Dan would accept it.

"We'd have to make a video explaining our absence," Dan replied, beginning to entertain the idea.

"Only if you wanted to," he was reassured.

"I do."

So they did. 

The next morning the pair sat down and filmed the video, pausing several times in between to recompose themselves. The finished product was very similar to the original, the only difference being that it didn't have the hours of them sighing and staring at the floor.

...

Louise and Jack were sat on the sofa in Louis' new house having spent the last few hours unpacking with the help of some friends. Neither were aware of their friends plans until they both received a notification on their phones, highlighting a video on Dan's channel.

"I was worried that they'd do this too soon," Louise told Jack, opening the video on her laptop so that the pair could watch it together.

The video was titled An Explanation and An Apology and the thumbnail was black, scaring the. Both slightly

The video opened to the couple sat on the sofa in the living room, an unusual setting for a video, stating that it was unlike any other. Dan's face was pale and showed that he was slightly terrified of the situation, his hair curly and messy. Phil on the other hand looked stressed, his hair pushed back into a quiff and his black glasses framing his face.

They sat in silence for a moment, hands joined on Phil's knee, before Dan began to speak, "I'm really sorry that we've been gone. We've been going through a difficult time over the last month and we disappeared without explanation."

"Dan and I are aware that many of you have been concerned and we want to put any concerns to rest as we can assure that things are going to go back to normal in time."

"Also this wasn't anything to do with our relationship. We didn't split up or have any sort of argument, something happened that was very personal to me. I'm not sick either, I also noticed that people were worried about that. I'd be really grateful if any speculations were kept at bay as I would like to keep my privacy on this," Dan explained, staring at the floor in embarrassment.

"It's been a really difficult time, but things are improving and we want to start doing what we love again," Phil told the camera, squeezing Dan's hand lovingly. 

"We're going to be doing the radio show next Monday and we hope to start making videos again properly in the near future."

"But before that, we have something to tell you," Phil said, turning to Dan smiling.

"Are you sure?" Dan replied, eyes widening. 

"Never been more sure of anything in my life. About six weeks ago, I proposed to Dan and he said yes," Phil beamed, leaning over to kiss Dan's head,

"We have a lot going on at the time being so we're not planning on getting married just yet but we thought you should all know," Dan smiled although it seemed slightly forced.

"Again we're really sorry for our absence but we hope they you understand that we had our reasons. Thank you for your continued support, we really appreciate it," Phil finished before getting up and turning off the camera.

...

It was three in the afternoon the following Friday that Dan found himself awaking on the sofa from a long and well needed nap. He'd been sleeping a lot more recently which Phil had put down to the stress that they were under. Luckily - if any of what they were going through could be deemed as lucky - Dan wasn't planning on making a video until the following week and Phil had kindly offered to plan the radio show.

"Phil?" he called, his voice echoing through the flat, when he got no reply, he called out again. No reply.

Dan climbed off the sofa and went to Phil's room which was empty, just like his own. He then followed through to the kitchen and up the stairs to which he found a deserted office. Leaving all rationality behind Dan begun to panic, sitting on the stairs and sobbing. Phil had left him. Phil had lied to him. Phil had betrayed him.

“Phil!” Dan cried out repeatedly through his distraught sobs, “Phil, please!”

Dan screamed and cried until his voice became raw and his ribs hurt with every breathe. He hid his face in his inner elbow as his heart poured out in a mixture of screams and whimpers. Sitting helpless at the top of the stairs, every hateful thought he’d ever held against Phil coming out through his now muffled screams. 

Five floors down, Phil was walking back through the door to their block of flats, climbing the stairs to their front door, hearing the echoes of Dan’s cries as he swung it open. Dropping the boxes on the floor, Phil ran up three flights of stairs to where he found a red faced Dan.

“Phil?” Dan choked out, sobbing harder as his fiance pulled him up from the floor and held him in a loving embrace.

“Dan what happened? Are you hurt?” Phil asked, wiping at Dan’s damp cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt.

“I th-thought you’d left me,” he cried, clinging to Phil, thanking every god under the sun for that not being the case.

“Oh Dan, I swear I’m never going to leave you! I went to put the recycling in the bins and some idiot had mixed up the boxes. Are you okay?” Phil prompted, keeping Dan as close to him as humanly possible.

“I’m f- no. No I don’t think I am. I’m sorry Phil.” H

“I’m the one who should be apologising,” he sighed softly, pulling away and taking Dan’s hand in his own, “let’s get some lunch, I’ll cook.”

....

“You are now listening to and watching Dan and Phil on BBC Radio 1.This is the Internet Takeover and Dan and I will be in charge of the sounds in your ears for the next hour,” Phil said, smiling as they went live.

“We’ve not been live on the radio for more than two months so if this goes horribly wrong don’t be surprised, but for now, here is Drag Me Down by One DIrection,” Dan sent them off into a song before picking up one of the white boards and writing missed you guys and pulling a dramatic face.

As the song came to a close the pair put their headphones back on and approached their microphones once again, “that was Drag Me Down and you are listening to Dan and Phil! So Dan, we’ve been away for quite a while so I guess we’ve got a lot of catching up to do!”

“Yeah, so if you didn’t know Phil and I are getting married which I think came as a shock to a lot of people,” Dan laughed, talking freely to the camera in front of them.

“We actually got engaged about 7 weeks ago but a few life things got in the way and we had to take a little break but now we’re back!” Phil explained, dismissing that there was any problem. “As is tradition, we’ve got a twitter hashtag for this radio show and I thought that it was only fitting to have it centred around weddings. So please tweet in your ideas for a themed wedding with #DanandPhilsweddingtheme to @BBCRadio1.”

“Are you actually serious?” Dan begun to laugh, putting his hand over his face in embarrassment, “so what theme ideas have you got for us Phil?”

“I was thinking that maybe we could have a Pokemon themed wedding, or maybe even an anime themed wedding.”

Dan looked at his partner in mock disgust before walking off shot and leaving Phil to put it to the next song. 

“And that was the new song from Fall Out Boy which I have to say I’m completely in love with!” Dan beamed.

“We’ve had loads of tweets, you guys are really going for it with this hashtag! Aless says that we should have a rainbow theme, Cami suggested a Mario Kart themed wedding, what you think Dan? I could go as Mario and you could be peach,” Phil teased.

“Well, that’s offensive, you know I’m much more of a yoshi guy Phil! Anyway, Hannah says that we should have a house plant themed wedding! What does that even mean? Are we going to dress up as the house plants or are there just going to be loads of houseplants everywhere?”

“You know what I’ve been thinking that we’re going to have to take one of our names or combine them or something!” 

“Oh god yeah, we’re going to have to start introducing ourselves as Dan and Phil Lester,” Dan blurted out, causing Phil to look at him with a smirk.

“So we’re going to be Lester’s are w-” Phil’s smug retort was interrupted by the door to the studio swinging open and four police officers walking in followed by their producer Victoria.

“You can’t go in there!” Victoria told them angrily, however she was ignored by nearly everyone in the room as they approached the two DJs and walked straight into the live stream.

“Are you Philip Lester?” asked one of the officers.

“Um, yes,” Phil replied nervously, taking a step back towards Dan who was staring at him in confusion.

“Philip Lester I’m arresting you on the suspicion of murder, you do not have to say anything in your defence but anything you do say will be held against you in court,” the same officer took him by the arm and begun to lead him out of the room.

“Phil?” Dan called after him grabbing the back of his head with his hands before beginning to cry. 

“Get the livestream off now!” Victoria shouted at one of the technicians as Dan broke down in a panic. “Dan what’s going on?”

Dan didn’t reply, he just stared at her as he sobbed helplessly.

“James, he’s friends with Jack Howard right? I want him on the phone now!” she told one of the technicians, putting an arm around Dan who quickly pushed her away. “Dan, we’re going to go next door okay, am I allowed to touch you?”

With Dan’s consent she lead him to her office which was luckily on the same floor, passing by several people who had also watched Phil being lead away from the building. Dan was completely oblivious to the stares and murmurs that came from those around as he walked through the hall, tears running down his cheeks, Victoria attached at his hip. Moments after they had sat down in her office, the phone began to ring.

“Hello?” she answered immediately, walking out into the corridor and shutting the door carefully behind herself.

“Victoria, its Jack, I’ve just heard what happened. Is Dan okay? Do you know anymore of what’s going on? Everyones freaking out!” came the quick reply down the phone.

“I have no clue what’s going on, but I need someone to sort out Dan, he either needs to be taken home or maybe to the police station,” she explained, watching Dan through the window as he sat on the small sofa in her office, head in hands.

“I’m going to call Louise and she’ll come and get him, is he okay?”

“I don’t know, he’s obviously really upset but he won’t look at me or acknowledge anything. Phil told me what happened and Jack I’m scared that if Phil’s guilty, Dan’s not going to be okay! Christ, Phil’s not going to be okay, how would he hack prison?” she started to panic slightly. 

“Phil’s not guilty Vic, he can’t be! But right now, you need to calm down and sit with Dan. Try and get him to talk and just keep reassuring him, Louise lives quite near to the BBC so she won’t take too long,” Jack told her, his voice shaking slightly as he tried to convince himself the things he was telling her.

“Obviously this isn’t the priority at the moment but I’m guessing that it’s all been recorded and people are freaking out. The last thing the pair of them need is to be worrying about their fans.”

“I’ll speak to some other youtubers and we can all tweet out a statement saying that we don’t know what’s going on and that nothing has been confirmed but people need to respect their privacy and I’ll request for videos of it to be taken 

“Thank you Jack,” and with that she hung up the phone, reentering the office to find Dan sitting on the sofa in a scarily calm manor.

“Who's coming to get me then?” he asked staring at the wall across the room from Victoria, avoiding her sympathetic eyes.

"Louise is on her way, she’s going to take you to the police station and you can speak to the police.”

Dan didn’t respond. Instead he sat and stared at the wall for the following twenty minutes whilst he awaited Louise’s imminent arrival. In Dan’s mind he ran over every scenario of Phil killing another person, from him ruthlessly stabbing someone in the chest to him accidently knocking someone over. As his imagination began to delve deeper into horrific scenarios the bloody figure lying on the floor started to take the form of him. Phil holding him as he he lay there dead. Murdered.

“Dan?” a soft voice said from in front of him before a warm hand was placed on his knee, “shall we go?”

“Louise, I didn’t even realise you were here, I’m really sorry that you had to-” Dan begun to ramble, his confusion and guilt over the situation bubbling over slightly.

“It’s no problem, let’s just get this sorted out yeah?” 

With that the pair left Victoria, climbing into Louise’s Mini and taking the long drive through the busy roads of central London. Louise didn’t pester Dan during their journey, only occasionally checking that he was okay and telling him the occasional anecdote about Darcy or their new house. Dan was grateful for her light hearted chatter, listening to her stories of her family kept his mind the shrinking chance that his dreams of his own with Phil would ever be realistic.


	6. Chapter 6

“Philip Lester, I’m DS Andrew French, this is DI Amelia Brown,” said the two detectives as they strutted into the room dark room where Phil sat nervously, head in hands. It had been four hours since Phil had been arrested and he was had spent that time lying on the plastic bed in his cell.

“I understand that you’ve declined legal representation.”

Phil nodded nervously in reply.

“Interview with Philip Lester, present are DI Amelia Brown and DS Andrew French, 11:34 pm,” the female detective told the tape, taking a seat in front of Phil.

“Jonathan Beningfield raped your fiance Daniel Howell 2 months ago, is that correct?” Andrew begun, taking a mental note of Phil’s facial expression as he questioned him.

“Yes. Dan was attacked in a supermarket car park late at night,” Phil replied nervously. 

“I can imagine that it must have affected your relationship a great deal.”

“I care about Dan more than anything. It was a difficult time and Dan’s still recovering.”

“It must have hurt you though, someone doing that to someone you love. You must be angry,” Amelia prodded, trying to get a reaction from him.

“Well obviously, it’s not something that I’d wish on anyone!” Phil responded, slightly frustrated by their pointless questioning.

“But this happened to the man you loved, not some stranger! How did you feel when you found out? Angry? You must have wanted to hurt the person who did this to Dan, must you not?”

“If you have something to say, just say it!” Phil said resignedly.

“Alright then, Mr Bedingfield was found dead in his apartment last week.The coroner has dated his death back to the night that you and your fiance were called into the police station to identify the man who raped Daniel Howell. Where were you that night Mr Lester? Because we know that you didn’t go home with your fiance, we have that on CCTV,” the female detective said to him coldly, her eyes glaring into him.

“I needed a break, it had been a difficult day and so I went to take a walk, I have nothing to do with this,” Phil tried to sound confident but his voice shook with fear.

Before either of the detectives were able to respond, there was a sharp knock at the door before a uniform police officer walked into the room, “sorry to interrupt but DS Kerrigan has asked if you can come and speak to a Daniel Howell and a Louise Pentland.”

“Yes I’ll attend to that in a moment. Interview with Philip Lester terminated at 11:45,” both detectives then left the room, ignoring Phil confused expression.

…

“Miss Pentland, how well would you say that you know Mr Lester?” DI Brown begun her questioning.

“Very well, he and his fiance Dan are two of my closest friends and we spend a lot of time together,” Louise told her coolly, her face pale from the stress and exhaustion over the situation. 

The time was slowly broaching half past five and she and Dan had spent the last seven hours since Phil's arrest slipping in and out of restless sleep and pacing around the waiting room and staring at the wall in Dan's case. 

“And how would you describe him?”

“Phil is without a doubt one of the kindest men that I have ever met. He’s a bit shy but also great company. He spends a great deal of time with my four year old daughter and takes care of her better than most men ever could,” Louise declared.

“How did Mr Lester react to what happened to Daniel? I can imagine he was angry.”

“When he told me, he got a bit angry, I mean more than a bit angry! I’d never seen him like that before,” she told her truthfully, stomach turning in guilt.

“What did he say?”

“He said he um- that he um-”

“Yes miss Pentland?” the detective prompted.

“He said that he wanted to kill him. He didn’t know whether to blame himself or the man who did that to Dan,” Louise looked down in shame, a rush of nausea that she just managed to contain hitting her body.

“And do you think he meant that?”

 

“At the time but Phil’s not capable of killing anyone!”

…

Meanwhile in the interviewing room across the hall, Dan was midway through his interview with the other detective sergeant running the case.

“That night after you left the police station, where did Phil go? Did he go home with you and Mr Ligouri?” 

“Yes, we went home and Pj left shortly after that,” Dan flat out lied, risking everything to save Phil’s neck.

“Mr Howell, you do realise that obstructing a polive investigation is a criminal offence.”

“I’m telling the truth,” Dan protested weakly.

“We have CCTV imaging showing that Mr Lester left you in the car park and didn’t go with you. By the looks of the video you seemed to be very upset. Please tell the truth.”

“I don’t know, I thought he was leaving me and then when he came home he-” Dan blurted out, not managing to stop himself before the detective realised.

“He what?” 

“He’d hurt his face, broken his nose I think but he never got it checked.”

“Did he tell you where he’d been or who’d done that to him?” 

“No, I was too scared to ask,” Dan said, putting his foot in it before hurriedly backtracking, “I mean, not of him, I just didn’t want to talk about or know what had happened. I’m not scared of Phil!”

“Thank you Mr Howell.”

...

Phil sat in his cell, knees pulled up to his chest as he stared hopelessly at the wall. Was this what his life was to be for the years to come? The peeling plaster of the yellowing walls emphasised how much trouble he was really in. 

Phil jumped up from his bed upon hearing the hatch in the door to his cell to creak open.

"Phil? I'm PC Roberts, they're still investigating your case in CID so you need to wait until they're ready to reinterview you. But would you like to spend half an hour in the exercise yard whilst you wait?" the blonde, short haired uniformed police officer asked him.

Phil nodded nervously, allowing the police officer to lead him from his cell and out into the enclosed space. The yard was claustrophobic, one of the surrounding four brick walls had the light of the recently risen sun shining upon it. Despite the incoming light, in Phil's mind the situation he found himself in only felt more untenable.

Upon reaching the small 'outside' space, Phil walked to the sun blessed area on the ground and lay on the hard concrete. Squinting slightly and raising his hand to cover his face, he allowed his eyes to adjust the bright light of the sun. An unsettling weightless feeling overcame his body as Phil began to sob violently. Fear encompassed his entire being, tearing down every dream he had once had, every exciting plan he had hope to have with Dan, every chance he thought he had of a future.

"Mr Lester, are you okay?" the officer asked him from the reinforced door to the yard.

"Fine," Phil lied in reply, allowing his sobs to die down slightly.

...

“Witnesses have confirmed that you didn’t go home until the early hours of the morning, Mr Lester. During that time did you or did you not go and visit Mr Beningfield during that time?”

“No!”

“Mr Lester, by lying to us you are creating more problems for yourself so I’ll ask you again, did you or did you not visit Mr Beningfield on the night of his death?”

“I went to talk to him, that’s it! I didn’t kill him, I’m not capable of killing anyone!” Phil admitted, his throat constricting in panic.

“What did you go to talk about Mr Lester? Can’t have been a particularly friendly chat can it, that man raped you fiance!” 

“I was angry but I never hurt him!” he protested aimlessly.

“I think you did, I don’t think you intended to go there and hit him, but you lost your temper, didn’t you!” Andrew suggested, making Phil’s skin burn red in frustration.

“No!”

“We have DNA samples found on his skin matching those of yours that we took after Daniel’s attack. You clearly did touch him Mr Lester so how's about you start telling the truth!” 

“Ok,” Phil said defeatedly, tears running down his cheeks.

Phil followed the tall blonde man as he left the police station, keeping a reasonable distance as he stalked his journey home. John Beningfield lived alone in a huge studio apartment in the heart of London, his home lavish, a beautiful view over London from the highrise apartment. A beautiful apartment occupied by a vile man.

He walked the surprisingly quiet streets of London, keeping his head down in attempt to stop people from recognising him, struggling to keep track of where John was going. In Phil’s hand was a beautiful umbrella that Dan had bought him for his birthday. It had a silver stem which poked out as a spike at the top, the material that protected him from the rain was white, a thin pastel blue strip running around the edge.

Barely considering the negative implications of his actions, Phil followed him up the stairs to his apartment, surprisingly managing to go unnoticed. He thought he’d gone unnoticed. 

“Which one’s yours?” asked the smug man, not even turning around as he addressed Phil whilst entering his apartment. 

“What?”

“Was it the feeble ginger with the long hair or the emo haired idiot with the gorgeous ass or the-” he stopped himself upon seeing Phil’s pained expression at his description of Dan, “the emo, I should have guessed! I read up about him after I saw his face in my nieces magazine! You can’t even begin to imagine how proud I was when I discovered that I’d got a celebrity! And you must be his boyfriend!”

“Why did you do that to him?” Phil asked, swallowing to stop himself projectile vomiting over the evil man before him.

“Because he was oh so yummy! You should have heard the noises that he made, I suppose you have, haven’t you!” he laughed bitterly.

“Don’t you dare talk about him like that!” Phil shouted, clenching his fists around the umbrella in his hand in anger.

“Or what?” he replied cockily, “he loved it, y’know! A bit of rough and tumble. Probably what he’s missing out on at home!” 

Phil flew up at him, pinning him up against the wall by his collar, throwing the umbrella towards the door, “shut up!” he roared in anger.

“He was begging for it!” 

With that Phil punched him, causing him to fall back against the wall, only to receive a significantly stronger whack round the head, making him fall on the floor. Phil heard his nose crack as his face was rammed into the hard flooring again and again. He could no longer feel any pain, his vision blurring. 

But Phil’s senses quickly returned when he felt a hand begin to tug at his jeans. A cold, rough hand dug into his hip, another snaking round to his front and groping him. He knew what was going to happen. Phil looked around in search of something to save him, his eyes falling upon the umbrella that lay on the floor meters away from him.

He grabbed it, hitting John over the head with it, causing him to let go of Phil just long enough to get away.

Phil ran, not staying to see the aftermath. 

Leaving his umbrella behind.

He found himself running down flights and flights of stairs, out onto the streets of London. Street lights and car headlights hit his eyes, making him feel disorientated but he continued to run. The sounds of running footsteps and Dan’s screams filling his head.

“I didn’t know that I’d killed him, I was so scared, I just ran away! I didn’t know!” Phil begun to sob helplessly as he admitted to his mistake.

“Mr Lester, after speaking to the coroner and actually seeing the head wound that killed him, you cannot expect us to believe that it was an accident. The trauma to his head was deliberate,” the detective told him softly, urging him to confess even more.

“ You have to believe me, it was an accident!” he pleaded.

… 

“Mr Howell, please take a seat. After speaking to his lawyer, Philip Lester has pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Johnathon Beningfield, however we have sufficient evidence to believe that this was murder. I know this must come as a shock to you but he has admitted to hitting the victim over the head with a-” the detective told him gently. 

“What do you mean he’s guilty! Phil didn’t kill anyone, he couldn’t have!” Dan pleaded, looking desperately through the window to Louise who was stood outside waiting.

“It appears that Mr Lester went to see Mr Beningfield shortly after leaving the police station, following him back to his home. After confronting him, Mr Beningfield provoked your fiance and he hit him after which Mr Beningfield attempted to rape Mr Lester-” 

“He did what?” Dan asked in disbelief, struggling to catch his breathe, “how could I have not realised.”

“Mr Lester claims that Mr Beningfield tried to rape him, and so he-” she was again cut off.

“What do you mean claims! If Phil said that’s what happened, that’s what happened. This isn’t his fault, that man tried to rape my fian-” 

“Mr Lester then beat him over the head repeatedly with the spike of an umbrella, piercing his skull before leaving him to bleed to death.” 

Dan didn’t respond this time, taking in a sharp breath as he began to sob. 

“I’m very sorry Mr Howell.”

… 

After clearing up the rest of the formalities, Dan left the interview room, his head falling into Louise’s shoulder as he sobbed. 

“Dan!” they heard a shout from the end of the corridor where they saw Phil, signing legal documents at a desk.

Dan ran towards him, Louise behind him, before jumping into Phil’s arms. 

“Are you ok?” Phil asked into his shoulder, beginning to cry again. 

“Yeah, I’m fine, they said you confessed. Why did you do that? Phil why did you do that?” Phil took Dan’s face in his hands, wiping away the tears that were streaming down his cheeks.

“Listen to me, it’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay! But I need you to be strong now, okay Dan, I need you to be okay for me.” 

“I can’t do this without you. I need you. I love you,” Dan choked.

“I love you too,” Phil sobbed as he was taken away by a police officer and lead back into his cell.

…

Louise wrapped her arm around Dan’s waist as they walked out of the police station once more. As they made their way towards Louise’s car, they were suddenly surrounded by flashing lights.

Reporters.

“Mr Howell, where’s your partner?”

 

“Daniel, did you know that your fiance was a murderer?”

“Leave us alone!” Louise tried to push past the reporters who were suffocating Dan.

“Dan Howell is it true that Phil Lester murdered one of your fans?”

“Daniel do you defend Philip’s actions?”

“Get of our way!” Louise screamed at them, her heart beating rapidly in panic.

“Mr Howell did you ever have any suspicions that he was a cold blooded killer.”

He blacked out.


	7. Chapter 7

Phil woke up in his cell two weeks later, his roommate James was already up and reading a what looked like a birthday card.

"From my daughter, says she hopes I’m having a nice holiday," he said sadly, noticing Phil sit up in bed, "has no idea that her dads in the nick for trying to get enough money to put food on the table!" 

"I'm sorry James, I really hope your case gets overturned," Phil replied sincerely, yawning as he climbed down from his bunk.

"Thanks Lester. Oh, by the way, Nickels is looking for you! Was telling everyone yesterday that he 'knows who you are' or something whilst you was with your solicitor yesterday! Troubles headin' your way if you ask me," he informed him.

Phil thanked James for passing on the message and left his cell, walking down the corridor past all the other cells in B block to the canteen.

"Philip Lester, Internet sensation and fiancé of fellow gay icon Daniel Howell is currently being held in remand at Wandsworth prison! That's right everyone, Lester's a puff!" Phil heard as he entered through the double doors. 

As soon as Nickels stood up from his seat, Phil turned white as a sheet, knowing what was coming. 

"And you know what we do with benders?" the muscular and tattooed inmate said proudly, approaching Phil aggressively.

"Settle down Nickels," one of the guards called out from the side of the room, watching the man sizing up to Phil.

Despite being over 6ft tall and having a surprisingly amount of strength, there was no way Phil would be able to defend himself against the man before him. It was inevitable when the first punch hit Phil's cheek, but despite knowing it was a losing battle, Phil fought back, pushing him to the ground, getting in a few punches before he found himself being thrust onto the hard laminate floor, a pair of rough hands around his neck. It didn't take long for six guards to pull Nickels away leaving Phil struggling for breath on the floor. 

"Take Nickels to his cell," ordered Anderson, the leading guard, pulling Phil to his feet, "Lester, one more wrong foot like that and you can kiss goodbye to your visitation from your boyfriend this afternoon!"

The guard pushed Phil slightly, making him stumble backwards before sauntering off back to his office. Not knowing what to do Phil retreated back to his bunk where he stayed, waiting there patiently. He looked in the mirror on the wall, noticing the bruising around his nose. There was no way that Dan would miss that. 

Phil sat in front of the dirty mirror, trying to get his hair to stay in the position he wanted it to using his cheap brush from commissary and the lukewarm water from the tap in their room. Phil didn’t have access to luxuries anymore, that was for sure. Straighteners were seen as a safety risk and despite Dan applying for his commissary money online, Phil’s account was still empty so he’d been incredibly lucky and grateful when James had offered him enough to get essentials.

“Lester, you going to actually tell me who you are?” asked James from the door, whose actual name happened to be Oli.

“I’m sorry I lied to you, I didn’t think I really had a choice!”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m guessing you ain’t actually in ‘ere for armed robbery though, Nickels says you’re loaded!” he told Phil, sitting down on his own bunk.

“I work for youtube, me and my fiance Dan are youtubers and we post videos online. We’ve got a following of over 14 million on our channels combined and we work for the BBC too, became Radio 1 DJs in 2012 and we just got bigger and bigger,” Phil explained, almost ashamed.

“What are you doing in prison then?” 

“Dan was raped a few months ago, we’d both been away for a few days and he was on his way home and got attacked.”

“I’m sorry mate.”

“I went to see the guy that attacked him, there was scuffle and he tried to do the same to me but I legged it.”

“And then what?”

“I bludgeoned him to death with an umbrella,” Phil said vaguely.

“Sounds like he deserved it mate!”

“Dan doesn’t though, he’s all on his own and it’s all my fault.”

“He visiting you today?” 

“Yeah, and I look awful! My nose is bruised, my glasses are crooked and my hair’s a mess!” Phil complained, waving his hands about.

“Luckily for you, I happen to have some hair gel for starters! Also, I can lend you the foundation the wife bought me to cover up any scars when my mum comes to visit, should cover that bruise right up and chuck me those glasses, I have a knack for those kind of things!” James begun hand him things from a box under his bed, showing Phil the first piece of kindness since he’d been dropped in this hell hole.

“I used to think that only bad people went to prison,” Phil told him sincerely, “I was very very wrong.”

…

Dan sat nervously at the table inside the visitors room, feeling obnoxiously tall compared to who he assumed were the prison wives that surrounded him. It had been a long week since Phil's preliminary trial which he'd pleaded guilty at, determining that he would remain in Wandsworth prison until his official trial were his sentence would be decided. The trial was the last time Dan had seen Phil and even then all he was able to do was stare at his partner whilst he stood in a glass box, dressed in his black suit, staring sadly at the ground. Phil barely looked at Dan throughout the trial, continuing his distant behaviour to their daily phone calls.

A prison guard walked into the room, signalling that the prisoners are being allowed in. Watching carefully as a line of men walked through the door, Dan jumped up when he saw Phil dressed in Dan’s black and grey jumper which he’d taken into prison with him. Dan grasped a hand to his mouth, beginning to sob as Phil pulled him into an embrace, sharing a soft kiss before having to sit down to keep to regulations.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Dan choked, leaning into Phil’s hand that was cupping his cheek.

“I’ve missed you too. Are you okay? What’s been going on?” Phil asked, staring into Dan’s eyes for the first time in what had felt like forever.

“I’m okay, are you okay, are you eating? Are you getting on with people in here?” Dan grabbed Phil’s hands in his.

“The foods pretty awful, not going to lie but I'm okay, the people aren't too bad," Phil lied.

"There's a vending machine over there, they do hot drinks and crisps and things, would you like something?" Phil nodded in reply, allowing Dan to go and get him some food.

Dam returned with two cups of coffee and a selection of confectionary, providing Phil with the closest thing that he was going to have to food in what he expected to be a long 14 weeks leading up to his trial.

"So how is your visiting order going to work?" Dan asked, stirring a sugar into his hot beverage.

"I've got three visits per week so my mum and dad are coming once a week, Martyn and sometimes Cornelia are going to come on the other day and the last one is for you and whoever you want."

"Add Louise to the visiting order next week, she's desperate to come in, won't believe a single thing I say!" Dan laughed despite the lack of humour in the situation they were in.

“My mum says she came to see you a few days ago, told me the apartment was surrounded by photographers and journalists,” Phil told him, eyes filled with a concern that Dan wished he could ignore.

“Well what else would you expect when someone who's in the public eye suddenly gets arrested live on the BBC’s main radio station for murder, lands in prison awaiting what could be a minimum of 15 years! 15 years, you’d be 45 when you’d finished your sentence, 45 years old and I’d have to spend my life waiting for you!” Dan begun to cry again out of a combination of anger and fear. “Say you do get a custodial sentence Phil, any hope of a life together that we have ever had is ruined. What do we do, wait till I’m in my forties till we get married, start to raise a family then?”

“I’m sorry Dan. But about the journalists, please don’t lose your temper with them, it will start to die down soon,” Phil whispered, ashamed that there was little else he was able to offer his partner, not even a shoulder to cry on.

“Well I’ll be fine, I’ve not been on my own too much, Adrian’s been to see me and your mum says that she’s going to come and see me once a week because - I guess she probably told you but - she’s staying in London with Martin and Cornelia so that she’s closer to you.” 

“Ok, just make sure you let her help, she’s desperate to support you, all you need to do is let her in,” Phil gave Dan an unconfident smile when he only got a mumble in reply. "My lawyers been in to see me a lot, says that I might be let out on account for it being self defence. We've got a while till my hearing though,” he said, changing the subject.

"Phil I don't even know what happened, I only know what was said at your hearing and none of that even made sense to me! Do you even understand what it’s been like for me over the last week? Not knowing how you really are whilst you lie to me down the phone, not even understanding why my fiance who I love more than anything and trust with my life is in prison on suspicion of murder!” Dan begun to raise his voice in frustration, however a single look from one of the observing guards made him tone down his emotions by a huge proportion.

"Dan, are you actually okay? Please talk to me," Phil urged, sensing his partner's apparent distress.

“No, of course I’m not okay!”

“I don’t know what you expect me to say Dan,” Phil said guiltily.

“How’s about you explain to me why didn’t you tell me that he tried to- Phil, why didn’t you tell me where you’d gone?” Dan blurted out.

“I couldn’t do it to you, you didn’t need to be going through anything else!” 

“The police told me that they have sufficient evidence to suspect that you murdered him!" 

"What are you saying Dan?" Phil asked, nausea filling his stomach.

Dan just continued to glare at him, his mind clouded with fury.

“If you have something to say Dan please be my guest!” 

"Did you murder him?" Dan asked hurriedly in an angry whisper.

"No," Phil replied indignantly.

"Swear to me!"

Phil stared down at the table, "I swear."

He didn't take his eyes up off the table.

…

Dan wasn’t sure how he came to find himself in the doctor’s office so soon but here he was, sat before his GP discussing his feelings. He knew that he would be forced to explain what he was going through in order to receive what he wanted. Her offers of further counselling were quickly refused. Dan hadn’t gone there seeking a patronising diagnosis or a psychiatrist's inaccurate resolve for all of his problems. He came here for pills. A specific pill which he happened to have a slight amount of experience with. 

The kind doctor had been quick to diagnose him with post traumatic stress disorder and generalised anxiety which fell on deaf ears. Dan was never going to be bothered about having a label to explain what he was feeling, he just knew that right now, nothing was okay and that by fixing one part of the massive hole he felt that he was in, would at the very least take away from some of the stress he was feeling. A quick fix that gave him back some control over what had happened. What Phil and that man and everyone around him was doing to him.

And so that’s how he ended up leaving the doctor’s office, a prescription for the next 3 months worth of Sertraline and a dosage of 100mg every morning. This did however come with an agreement that Dan was to have a monthly check up which he had already decided in his mind that he would not be turning up for. 

…

Another week passed and Phil was again sat in his bunk flicking through a newspaper from days ago that had been dropped by that morning. Dan had written to him earlier that week saying that he was going to visit his grandparents up north so he would be unable to answer the phone that week. The letter gave no indication as to whether or not he was going to be able to turn up to visitation the following week, nor did it tell of Dan’s week unlike the letters previous to their meeting. Dan wasn’t the type to write long romantic letters but he signed off with ‘I love you’, so when it remained absent from the letter, Phil had to use every ounce of optimism he had left to send out the visiting order to Dan and Louise.

Phil read about the current problems that the British economy was facing and a tedious double page spread regarding a figure to do with the NHS’s lack of bed spaces. He was broaching the 8th page when he turned the page to see a picture of his own face alongside a several ones of Dan. 

DAN HOWELL TAKEN ILL AS LOVER SERVES TIME FOR BRUTAL MURDER

Youtube star and Radio 1 personality Dan Howell has been in the spotlight constantly over the last few weeks after his fiance was arrested for murder live on air last month during their show. Phil Lester, also known as AmazingPhil is currently being held in remand awaiting his court date. Howell was pictured crying earlier this week outside Wandsworth prison after visiting Lester in custody. It is thought by those close to the couple that their engagement has been called off. Howell was seen yesterday carrying a bag of medication, looking tired and sick and a source told People magazine that he has been struggling through the absence of his partner.

Phil ceased to read their, not wanting to know what was being said about his hearing from uninformed journalists. He chose instead to focus on the images that had been taken of Dan over the course of the week. The first one was of Dan and Louise outside the police station the day of his arrest, both looking incredibly upset. The second showed Dan crying into his own arm after the visitation last week, he was being comforted by what he assumed was a stranger but the journalist who had written the article had named them a close friend. The third showed Dan walking down the street, wearing his Leeds hoodie and carrying a prescription bag. Next to it was a picture of them at the Brits earlier that year, both dressed in their unique suits, smiling wildly, an arm around each others waist. 

…

Phil had to stop himself from running through the corridor to the visitation centre out of worry. His hands trembled as he was searched by one of the prison guards, anticipating a sobbing Dan waiting there for him, taking comfort in Louise because he wasn’t allowed to give him more than a quick hug.

But that wasn’t what was waiting for him at all.

He saw Louise sat alone at the table, a fake smile on her face as she pulled Phil into a loving hug.

“Where’s Dan?” Phil asked immediately, not bothering to ask how she was as they sat down opposite one another.

“Phil, I can’t believe I’m telling you this but I went to get Dan this morning and he wouldn’t come with me, told me to fuck off when I asked him why. Wouldn’t even let me in the door,” Louise told him, watching guiltily as the man before her broke down in sobs.

“He doesn’t want to see me?” Phil cried in response.

“He doesn’t want to see anyone, wouldn’t even answer the door when Pj went over last week.”


	8. Chapter 8

“God knows what I’m doing! I haven’t slept in three days and I don’t know what to do with myself anymore,” Dan said to the camera as the video begun, “it’s been five weeks since Phil was arrested and I think that you all deserve some sort of explanation.”

Dan was sat on the edge of his bed, dressed in Phil’s ‘pugs not drugs’ jumper, his shoulders hunched forward and his eyes red rimmed. 

“I don’t even know where to start, starting at the beginning scares me a bit so I’m going to start in the middle. A lot of you watched the radio show. We were live on air when Phil was arrested for murder. Some people thought it was a joke and god I wish I could tell you that it was. But it’s not. It’s not.

Right now Phil is in prison. He’s there on remand as they don’t tend to give bail to people suspected of murder. We’re yet to get a court date but he could be there for another 10 weeks. You all know Phil, what he’s like and so you probably know that he doesn’t belong in prison. I’ve known that man for all of my adult life and there’s not a place on earth that he belongs less.

As I’m sure a lot of you are aware, Phil have had it pretty rough for the last few months which is why we’ve been so absent,” he took a deep breathe in, looking up to the ceiling before looking directly at the camera. 

He pushed a trembling hand through his messed up hair, gripping it tightly. He was making a visible effort to keep his bottom lip from trembling whilst his eyes quickly filled with tears. He shook his head violently, tears spilling from his eyes and running down his white cheeks before continuing.

“The man that Phil supposedly murdered attacked me a few months ago. I’m not going to go into too much detail because I can’t. But I know that if I hadn’t stupidly put myself in that position then Phil wouldn’t be where he is right now. I went out late at night and I was an idiot and all of this is my fault!” he just about managed to stifle a cry into his sleeve, tears cascading fast down his cheeks.

“I’m out here, at home whilst Phil’s trapped in a prison surrounded by pedofiles and murderers and r-” he raised a hand to his mouth, not able to finish, “I’ve done this to him and he’s there because of me. Phil is not a murderer!” at that, Dan began to sob, the flood gates opening “I don’t know what happened and I’m not going to claim that nothing did happen but I can tell you that Phil is not a murderer.”

Dan sat there crying, painful sobs racking his body, face contorting into a devastated expression as he all but screamed. His arms rubbed harshly at his eyes, leaving reddened skin and painful eyes in their wake. He tried to start speaking again but was overcome by another round of exhausted sobs. Dan managed to get himself back together enough to finish the video.

“I’ve lost everything that was important to me. Any hope of a future. We were supposed to get married and have a baby and be together. Forever. And now I can’t see a future, because I don’t want a future without him. But I guess I have to find one, even if it is on my own.

I don’t know how long till I come back, or if I ever will. But the last eight years of my life have been the best. I went from being a lonely, depressed seventeen year old sat in my bedroom, to an incredibly happy and privileged young man with a very beautiful future in front of me. You’ve seen me through so many battles, supported me through some really difficult times and have taught me to accept so many things about myself for which I will forever be grateful,” Dan cried helplessly before choking out, “goodbye internet.”

The screen went black, leaving Jack to sit back in his chair, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Enough is enough,” he whispered softly to himself.

He grabbed his phone, dialing Louise’s number.

…

“Dan, open the bloody door!” Jack shouted, banging on it harshly. 

“For fuck’s sake Dan we will break it down!” Pj added, turning to Louise and throwing his hands in the air in exasperation.

They continued to knock to no avail, threats to force their way in being shouted up to Dan.

A door behind them opened and a voice said angrily, “what the hell is going on?”

“I’m really sorry about the noise, we’re really worried about Dan, he’s not left the house in weeks and we don’t know what to do!” Louise explained quickly to their neighbour.

“Right, I have a key to their place for emergencies, so you can let yourselves in if you need to,” he offered.

The three quickly found themselves running up the several flights of stairs to find Dan. Seeing the three racing up the stairs, Dan dashed into the lounge, backing up towards the fireplace, knocking off several of his and Phil's beloved ornaments and plushies.

“Get out of my fucking flat!” he shouted, trying to get away from them.

“Dan what is going on?” Pj asked, grabbing his arm.

“Please leave!” Dan begged, the desperation in his voice only heightening their concern.

"Dan?"

"I said get out," Dan half screamed at them, his anger returning.

“No, you’ve not left the flat in two weeks! Why Dan?” Jack asked him.

“Oh fuck off Jack! I just want a bit of peace for once in my life!” he told them, aggressively pulling his arm from Pj’s grasp.

“And what about Phil then Dan? Why have you blocked him out? He’s heartbroken, I’ve been to see him every week and he’s in bits!” Louise explained.

“Why should I even care?”

“Why should you care? He’s your fiance Dan in case you’ve forgotten that! That man loves you and look what you’re doing to him, he’s in the most terrifying position he’s ever been in and you’ve deserted him! He needs you Dan,” Louise started to get angry at him, pointing her finger in his face.

Dan doesn’t answer, he only looks down. The others struggle to work out what he’s feeling as he begins to walk away from them.

“What’re you going to do now Dan? Continue to be a coward whilst he sits in prison, scared out of his mind!” Jack says to him.

“So what if I am! It’s not like he deserves any better!” Dan shouted angrily back at him, squaring up to Jack.

All three of his friend’s mouths dropped open at that, eyes widening intensely, “you think he did it, don’t y-” Jack didn’t get to finish his sentence as he was cut off by the back of Dan’s hand colliding with his jaw.

“Fuck you!” Dan screamed in his face before Pj grabbed hold of him by his arms and pinned him into the wall.

Louise rushed to Jack who walked away from her, a few tears running down his cheeks at the shock of it. 

"Let go of me! Let go of me please Pj, please don't hurt me, please!" Dan begun to struggle in Pj's arms, begging him hysterically.

"Pj let go of him,” Louise said warningly and he did, watching helplessly as he tried to get as far away from his as possible.

“Dan, please just let us help you, we can’t allow you do this to yourself nor to Phil,” Pj said to him calmly. 

Dan looked at him angrily, before his face crumpled and he began to cry softly, he slid down the wall, placing his head in his arms. Louise knelt down in front of him, stroking his knee softly in an attempt to try to comfort him.

“Dan please just talk to us, all we want to do is support you," she said to him softly, wiping away a few of his tears.

"I'm not your responsibility! I don't understand why you all care so much! Why are you all here! If I was Jack I would've hit me back twice as hard and then left! Why are you still here Jack, tell me!" Dan ranted, not moving from his place on the floor, his quick changes in mood concerning his friends.

"Because that's what friends do. We really care about you mate and all we want I do is help you to get better but you can’t keep pushing us away all the time Dan!” Jack replied, struggling to stay calm.

“I can’t do this on my own!”

“Then let us in Dan! Please let us support you!” Louise gripped his knee in frustration.

“What do you want for me!” Dan shouted at her.

“For you to tell us what you need and allow us to give it to you,” she screamed at him, her anger at the situation exploding.

“I need you guys to support me! Not to scream at me as if this is my fault! It’s not my fault!” 

Louise let out a shaky breathe, “you’re right, I’m sorry,” came her choked out whisper.

“Ok,”came Dan’s simple answer, hanging his head in defeat.

Louise opened her arms to him and pulled him into a hug before pulling him to his feet and embracing him once again as they sat down on the sofa. Jack sat down beside them as Louise stroked Dan’s hair, Pj, leaving the three to make some drinks.

“Let’s start by you telling us why you went to the doctors the other day,” Louise said calmly, “and before you deny it or try and lie to us, we’ve seen the pictures of you leaving and we know that you were given a prescription.”

“I was diagnosed with PTSD, they prescribed me some meds to help,” Dan dismissed them.

“What was the dosage on them Dan?” asked Pj, appearing in the doorway.

“100mgs a day,” Dan replied quickly.

“Oh that’s funny because there’s four empty packets on the side!”

“You went through my stuff?” Dan asked, too tired to shout at him.

“Well I’m bloody glad I did! Did you take them all at once? Did you try to kill yourself Dan?” Pj shouted at him as Louise gripped both of her hands to her mouth, hyperventelating.

“No! No! Never! I just exceeded the dose, just to make things a little easier, I’ve never- I’d never even think of…” Dan trailed off.

“But Dan, that’s 24 tablets per packet Dan, 7 tablets per day!” Pj replied, not looking Dan in the eye. “There’s boxes off the stuff there Dan! I know for a fact that you didn’t get that many from the doctor so how the fuck did you get hold of them?” 

“It’s none of your fucking business!” his attempt at sounding angry came out weaker than he had expected.

“Dan just tell the truth!” 

"Online! I got them online! They stop me from sleeping and it takes me away from all of this," Dan waved his arms around, praying that they'd understand.

"Why don't you want to sleep Dan?" Jack asked carefully.

"Because every time I do I see it happening, I watch it happen to Phil and my brother and-" Dan explained, starting to cry again, not even registering Louise pulling him into her chest as her mind raced through solutions.

"Guys can you give us a few minutes, I need to talk to Dan," Louise said softly, still deep in her thoughts.

Jack and Pj promptly left the pair, allowing Louise to try to help him the best she could.

"Dan have you ever thought about talking to someone, seeing a therapist maybe?" Louise asked him gently, stroking a hand through his hair.

"I try not to think about it in the first place," Dan replied, moving round to look at her properly. 

"And how's that working for you?" her voice remained soft and encouraging.

Dan didn't reply. Louise rubbed a finger across the tears falling down his cheeks, taking notice of his dark eyes and red cheeks, the contrast of it to his white skin that would give Phil a run for his money.

"Can you talk to me instead?" 

Dan just looked at her silently.

"This not talking thing is ultimately just going to hurt you more Dan."

He just shrugged in response , eyes flicking away from her face and down to his lap.

"Dan-"

"I don't want to talk about this Lou and there isn't anything you can do to make me!" 

"I'm not trying to make you do anything, all I want to do is help you!" she replied, just about able to keep her tone calm.

"You can't"

"You're right, of course I can't! Of course I bloody can't! It's impossible to help someone who doesn't want it!" Louise stood up for the sofa, walking to the table, her head turning up to the ceiling.

"What's the point of this Louise?" Dan asked her quietly.

"The point of what?"

"Trying to get better. What's the point in trying to get better. I've got nothing left Lou, nothing."

"Oh Dan," she rushed to him, pulling him into her chest, holding him whilst he sobbed.

"I need him, Lou! I can't do this without him!" 

"I know," she replied, stopping herself from adding 'I pray to God that you never have to'.

"I can't get away from him Louise, he never goes away!" Dan cried, his hands pulling at her pink cardigan, “I don’t think I can keep doing this, not on my own.”

"Let me in then,” desperately adding “please, Dan.”

“Everytime I shut my eyes I’m back there, Phil’s screaming at him to let him go, screaming because of the pain and the fear and it makes me sick. The tablets, they give you insomnia if you take a few too many, they stop me from sleeping for up to three days and when I finally do I’m so exhausted that I don’t wake myself up screaming, covered in sweat and scared out of my wits!” he confessed, uncurling from the ball he was in slightly.

“What do you all day then Dan?” she asked worriedly, “if you just stay in the apartment then what do you do with yourself.”

“It depends. Sometimes I don’t do anything. I don’t really feel like I can. I lie on the sofa and stare into space. But then other days I get panicked, I dropped a spoon on the floor yesterday and sent myself into a panic attack. Sometimes I pass out, I woke up on the kitchen floor this morning, not sure why I was even there in the first place.”

“I’m moving in,” Louise blurted out, without thinking.

“What? I don’t need you to take care of me Lou.”

“That’s bullshit and we both know it.”

“Ok, but what about Darcy?” he asked, not wanting to be selfish.

“That’s for me to worry about, but Darcy can stay with her dad and my aunty and it’s not like I won’t go see her. I’m not going to leave you on your own now Dan and I won’t leave until I know that there’s someone to take my place. That’s a promise,” Louise told him, stroking his hair softly.

Dan passed out in her arms a few minutes later, overwhelmed by everything that was happening. Louise carefully left him on the sofa, covering his body with a blanket before going to join the two men who were talking in hushed voices in the bathroom.

“Is he okay?” Jack asked, pulling her into a hug at the upset look on her face. 

“Sleeping.”

“We’ve tried to clean up a little, we’ll go get him some food in a bit, try to make things a little easier around here,” Pj said kindly, his soft smile not reaching his eyes.

“I think I should move in for a little while, I’m sure that as his friends we can take the time to look after him for a little,” Louise told them, leaning onto the kitchen sides. 

“He’s really not okay is he?” Pj asked sadly.

“Not at all.”


	9. Chapter 9

“Dan, it’s time to get up you fucker!” Jack knocked on the door of ‘Phil’s’ room, hoping to wake the young man.

“Jack it’s 7am fuck off!” Dan shoutd in reply.

Jack ignored him, opening the door and turning on the lights and going to sit on the end of his bed, smiling at Dan’s grumpy face which peeped over the green and blue covers.

“You know that you need to get up, we have to be at their by 10 and there’s a taxi coming at 9, so get up!” Jack told him, climbing off the bed to go make them both a cup of coffee.

“I’m not going!” Dan replied, causing Jack to stop dead in his tracks.

“What?” Jack swung around.

“I said I’m not going,” Dan repeated, his voice faltering slightly at the look on Jack’s face

“Yes you are, don’t be an idiot Dan! Get up!”

“I said that I’m not going and that’s the end of it!” Dan shouted in reply, sitting up in bed.

“If I have to make you go, don’t think that I won’t!”

“Make me?” Dan scoffed.

Jack took a short breathe before marching back over to the bed, grabbing hold of Dan’s duvet and phone and walking off with them, “if you’re going to behave like a child, then I’ll treat you like a fucking child!” he shouted behind him. Dan groaned in anger, goose bumps appearing on the skin that wasn’t covered by his loose fitting t-shirt or bed trousers.

“Fuck you Jack!” Dan shouted after him, before climbing out of bed.

…

Jack waited patiently in the lounge, two mugs of coffee and two bowls of cornflakes sat on the table. He was still dressed in his spider man pyjama bottoms, hair messy and glasses still lying on the bedside cabinet in ‘Dan’s’ room which he’d been occupying for the last week.

“Bryony and Pj weren’t this fucking annoying!” Dan said as he waltzed into the room, throwing himself onto the sofa beside Jack and taking the coffee provided for him without offering so much as a thank you.

“Well I’m sure that they didn’t have to deal with you being a total idiot like I have!” Jack replied lightly.

“Do I look like I care?” Dan sassed, he had never been a morning person and with the events of today looming over his head, he was feeling more cranky than usual, “and if you expect me to eat that then you’ve got another thing coming,” he added, pushing the bowl of cereal away, the milk spilling over and onto the coffee table.

“You promised last night that you were going to go, you said that you understood why it was important that you were there!” Jack replied annoyedly, ignoring Dan’s rudeness.

“I said that so you’d stop nagging me and let me go to bed you prick.”

 

“Oh Dan, you’re such a joy to be around when you’re like this!” he mocked sarcastically, “but seriously, you can’t do this to him! Not today, not now, not ever!”

“Phil’s managed without me for the last three months, me being there today is going to mean less than nothing!”

“If you seriously think that then you’re deluding yourself mate. That man is probably more scared right now than he’s ever been and he might be about to go through something terrible. I don’t expect you to support him but he’s going to need you either way. Because whether you like it or not, if he gets locked up then seeing your face there today is going to show him that he’s not totally alone and if he walks out there an innocent man, then he’s going to need you to be there for him.” Jack attempted to reason with him

“But I don’t want to be there for him!”

“Do you still love him?” Jack asked after pondering for a moment.

“I don’t know, I don’t know if I can let myself,” Dan admitted much more calmly, setting his One Direction mug down on the coffee table.

“Dan, I know fuck all about love, I'm the first to admit that! But I can tell you one thing, I have never met two people more suited to one another than you and Phil! Whenever you're together you make one another happy and I don't know another couple that radiate love the way you two do and whilst it's sickening to see, it's also heartwarming! The day you told me and Lou that you were getting married, I've never seen you happier, I've never actually seen another human being happier!" Jack spoke to him kindly, having grown quite fond of Dan.

"I was happy, I really was!" Dan told him, his lips upturning in the minutest of smiles.

"You can't tell me then that that love has just gone away! I watched that man break in half when he told us what happened to you, I've never seen anyone look so desperately in need of support before in my life and I hope to god I never do again! He tried to convince us all that it was his fault, you don't take the blame like he did for someone else's harm unless you truly love them! He loves you so much Dan and I don't believe for a second that that love has gone anywhere, not for either of you," Jack finished by taking in a big mouthful of cornflakes, chewing happily as Dan say in a contemplative state of shock.

"I do still love him, God I love him so much! But Jack I've never been genuinely more scared in my life!" Dan announced after a few  
moments of consideration.

"If you love him then you'll be there for him! I totally understand that you're terrified, I'd be more worried if you weren't, but that doesn't mean that you can't be there for him. It's not too late for you to tell him how much you love him, y'know, he'd understand," Dan thought that was being naively optimistic but kept that thought to himself.

"Jack, I need to tell you something and you're going to be angry and I understand why, but hear me out!"

Jack just nodded in reply, wordlessly encouraging Dan to continue.

"I asked Phil when I saw him whether he was guilty, I told him to promise me and he did," Dan stopped short, already feeling guilty about what he was about to confess.

"Well that's good, isn't it?" 

"You were right. When you asked me if I thought Phil was guilty. You were right. He swore to me that he was innocent but I just don't believe him and I don't know how to get past that," Dan's honesty stunned Jack into momentary silence.

"I think that if you go today and watch him declared innocent, then it will completely turn your life around for the better but similarly I believe that him being convicted will you give you a form of closure to all of this. I don't think Phil is guilty, I don't think that he's capable of it, do you?" Jack asked, carefully choosing his words.

"Yes. I think that something inside him snapped and with everything that had been happening, there were more than enough triggers."

"I understand that you don't want to go, but I think it will benefit you a great deal. Even if it does just provide you with that little bit of closure." 

"Ok, you're right, I should go." 

The pair spent the rest of their morning getting ready, Dan being forced to shave the stubble that he'd allowed to grow on his face. At nine o'clock the two young men found themselves exiting the London apartment, climbing into a cab. Both were dressed in suits, Jack's dark blue in colour and Dan's stereotypically black.

...

The taxi journey took just under 45 minutes, allowing them to arrive with 15 minutes to spare. Upon exiting the cab, the pair were immediately swarmed by journalists, questions being shouted from every direction as their personal space was quickly invaded.

"Mr Howell, is it true that you've struck up a relationship with Mr Howard whilst your finances been in prison?

"Daniel, are the separation rumours true?"

"Have you really moved in with Jack?"

"Are you hear in support of Mr Lester, do you condone his actions?"

Jack saw Dan quickly becoming overwhelmed, "get out of my fucking way!" Jack shouted, grabbing Dan by his wrist and dragging him from the crowd.

After managing to make their way past the numerous photographers that had ambushed them, Dan followed Jack through the doors to the court, his heart rate increasing when he noticed his group of friends, all dressed in suits as they awaited Phil's hearing. 

Tyler grabbed hold of him, pulling him into a tight hug, "it's good to see you, even if the circumstances are pretty shit," he told him softly. 

"How are you doing Dan?" came Carrie's voice, stroking his arm softly.

"Fine, thank you for coming, I'm sure that Phil would be really grateful for your support!" Dan told them awkwardly, gravitating slowly towards Louise.

"Your's and Phil's parents are over there, I know that it's difficult but I think you should go to speak to them!" Louise suggested, her arm wrapped around Dan's waist.

Dan allowed her to guide him towards his family, "Dan!" his mother gasped, grabbing hold of him and pulling him into a tight embrace, "are you okay sweetheart?" 

"I'm fine mum, I've had some friends living with me recently so it's all been okay!" Dan urged, turning to his younger brother who was stood awkwardly behind him.

"It doesn't matter what happens, you're not going to be alone, okay Dan?" Adrian told him.

Both Dan and Louise proceeded to greet Phil's parents, evident tension between them until Mrs Lester said, "Dan, I know that what's going on is incredibly difficult and I respect that, but you're still family, you know! I will always support my son but nothing will change the fact that I consider you as much of one as Phil and Martin." 

Dan looked at her loving eyes, his hard face crumpling as he wrapped his arms around her, resting his head on her shoulder for a moment. 

After briefly talking to his friends, they were all called into the court. They shuffled in slowly, Louise's hand slipping down to reassuringly take Dan's. He sat down beside her, their hands still intertwined, Chris sitting down on his other side, his and Phil's parents in front and Bryony and Wirrow sat behind him. Dan felt the soft hand of Bryony softly stroking his shoulder and he leaned lovingly into the touch. 

The court rose when asked, listening tensely to the offense. The young woman whom he assumed was Phil's lawyer spoke briefly about the case before He entered the court.

Phil was dressed in his suit, his hair pushed back out of his face. He walked out behind the glass panel, a prison guard following him, showing him to wear he was to be seated. Dan watched uncomfortably as Phil swore to tell the truth, before he turned to look Dan directly in the eyes, his previously blank expression becoming immediately upset.

The judge begun to question Phil, confirming several things that he already knew about the events of the past few months. 

"Mr Lester, you have pleaded innocent on the charge of murder, is that so?" the lawyer of John's family asked.

"Yes, that is correct," he replied, his voice hoarse.

"But you admit to hitting Mr Beningfield over the head, is that not correct."

"Yes, but-" Phil was quickly cut off.

"Mr Beningfield died from a head wound, I find it difficult to understand then how that does not make you guilty for murdering Mr Beningfield."

"I didn't hit him with the spike of the umbrella, I hit him with the side of it and when I left his apartment he did not have a head wound," Phil's words faltered as he explained.

"Let's go back to why you were there in the first place Mr Lester, you say you just wanted to talk to him," the lawyer asked, his voice cocky.

"Yes, I needed to understand why he'd attacked my fiancé," Phil's voice broke during the last word, a small tear running down the side of his nose which he hastily wiped away.

"But then how did you end up in a scuffle with Mr Beningfield?"

"He tried to assault me, tried to rape me like he had done Dan," Phil looked down in shame.

"Very convinient isn't it, you attacking a man who supposedly rapes your fiancé who then happens to attempt the same on you. I fail to believe this ludicrous story your honour."

The questioning continued, the defence lawyer attempting to discredit most of Phil's replies. Several more witnesses stepped up to speak in defence of John, describing him as a kind harmless man who didn't deserve to die in that way. His sister spoke of him like he was some sort of Saint which made Dan feel incredibly queasy.

"I would like to ask the jury to consider the motives behind Mr Beningfield's murder and the stability of Mr Lester's case of manslaughter. I also urge you to take character statements into consideration when coming to your conclusion. Thank you," the judge allowed the jury to exit the court, followed by the spectators who followed out into the foyer.

"Dan, are you okay?" Louise asked as Dan leaned against the wall, his face drained of colour.

"I was wrong Lou, really really wrong!" 

"What do you mean Dan?" she asked, subtly catching the attention of Jack who proceeded to join them.

"Jack, I know I said that I thought that I thought that he was guilty, well I was wrong! I should be in their defending him! What if he's sentenced? That'd be my fault. He needed me and I've let him down!" Dan's breathing was erratic.

"Dan there's nothing you can do about it now, and no, it's not your fault! These are just incredibly difficult circumstances!" Louise spoke to him calmly.

...

The room that they were in was quiet and tense, Dan was now sat on a sofa between his parents, his head lulled onto his mother's shoulder. Across the room Chris and Pj were chatting quietly with Louise and Zoe who sat either side of Jack and Casper who were having their own conversation. Dan looked up at his friends and family, smiling slightly at how his and Phil's brothers were chatting like old friends, Cornelia sat beside them supportively.

"You okay Dan?" his mother asked, slipping her soft hand into his.

"Yeah, I just want this all to be over with, I don't think I can bare much more waiting," he mumbled, sitting up slightly to kiss her cheek.

Before his mother could respond, a guard entered the room causing a tense silence to fall across the group.

"The jury has made their verdict, please enter the courtroom," his words made Dan's heart drop, a cold shiver running down his spine.

"It's okay love," his mum soothed him softly. 

Seated back in the courtroom, Phil was lead back out, tear stains evident on his cheeks. The judge entered, followed by the jury who all stood in a row, faces blank.

"I would like to ask the jury's representative to step forward," a young woman in a fitted suit did so, "on the charge of murder, did the jury come to a unanimous vote?" 

"Yes, we did."

"How did you find Phil Lester on the count of murder?"

"Not guilty," Dan felt a massive relief run through him, his hand squeezing his mother's tightly.

"And did you come to a unanimous verdict on the count of manslaughter?"

"Yes."

"And how do you find Mr Lester?"

"Not guilty."

Sounds of joy came from several corners of the courtroom, the loudest coming from the young couple that had just had their life handed back to them.


	10. Chapter 10

After being suffocated by hugs from all those who had come to support him, Dan found himself waiting outside the back of the court, hidden away from any press. Their family stood close by, allowing him and Phil to have the reunion they deserved by offering a small amount of space. The door to the building stood behind a gate begun to open, revealing Phil followed by a guard.

Nothing else mattered to Dan as the gate was opened and Phil was running towards him. All the air was knocked out of Dan's chest as his chest collided with Phil's, their arms wrapping around one another tightly. Phil's sobs and screams of relief were drowned out into Dan's shoulder as he cried happily.

"Phil, I can't believe you're finally here!" Dan whispered, his throat dry.

"I've missed you so much!"

They clung to each other for a few minutes longer, only uttering a few words of relief and happiness to one another. As he pulled Phil even closer to him, Dan noticed how considerably skinnier he was, making a mental note to feed him back up to his proper size. Dan begun to pull back slightly, kissing Phil softly on the cheek as he did so. Phil's eyes flickered up to Dan's, watching the tears pour from the big brown orbs, wiping them away tenderly with his thumb. Phil pulled Dan's face towards him, their lips touching gently, almost nervously before Dan's hands slipped to Phil's back and the bottom of his spine, pulling him closer. They continued to kiss, only pulling away when Phil started to cry against Dan's lips.

The pair embraced tightly once again, holding the other as close as possible. Dan pulled away, allowing Phil to greet his family who were waiting patiently a few metres away.

"Mum!" Phil said in a choked whisper, clinging to his mother and planting a loving kiss on her cheek.

"Oh Phil, thank goodness this is all over!" she told him, her voice overflowing with relief.

Phil then repeated the same actions with the rest of his family, a great deal of smiles and laughter and tears shared between them.

"Phil," Dan said softly, slipping his hand into the older man's as he joined the family.

"Hm," Phil hummed softly, squeezing the cold hand that was in his.

"Would you like to go home?" 

Phil turned to him, his eyes once again brimming with tears. He nodded violently, causing the tears to start to spill once again. Dan wiped Phil's tears away tenderly with the sleeve of his suit jacket, kissing his lips again sweetly.

The family begun to walk towards the gate that was blocking the press from where they had been standing. Phil's hand continued to hold Dan's tightly, his other arm wrapped around his mother's waist. They were quickly surrounded by photographers and journalists, numerous questions being shouted their way as the flashes of the camera went off.

"Mr Lester how do you feel about being proved innocent?"

"Mr Howell are you surprised by the verdict?"

"Mr Lester are you and your fiancé going to be doing anything to celebrate the result?"

Phil took a deep breathe in before speaking, "Dan and I have been through a really difficult time recently. A man has still been murdered, regardless of whether or not he was a good one, but of course it is a big relief to know that I'm not going to prison for a crime that I'm not guilty of. Dan and I plan to go home and catch up on the time that has been unfairly taken from us, it's been a trying through months and we would like to thank our followers for their continued support. They've been a great boost for us both when things got difficult and although we would like people to respect our privacy at the time being, please know that we will be back very soon. Thank you," Phil spoke fluidly, somehow having a great deal more confidence than Dan was used to.

He lead his family to the three cars that were waiting for them outside the court, making sure their families were all inside, before climbing into the last one with Dan. 

"You're different," Dan said, it was more of a statement that a question.

"Yes, I am," Phil admitted, what would have been a shy reply was now strong and in no way hesitant, "I didn't really have a choice, if I'd stayed the way I was I'd have been eaten alive in there. It was time I grew up anyway."

"No it wasn't, what are you talking about? You're not a child Phil, you're just a nice person!" Dan protested, his hand still held in Phil's, the older man's skin mockingly cold.

"And look where that got me!"

"It got you a fiancé who would do anything for you," Dan replied.

"Who would do anything for me? Where have you been for the last few months Dan, I've not received a single call or letter let alone a visit."

Dan didn't reply, choosing to turn and look out the window.

"I needed you and you weren't there, seeing you in the gallery today made me so happy yet so scared!" Phil told him, eyes welling.

"I'm sorry," Dan whispered in reply, still staring out of the window.

"It's okay, I just don't understand why. I get that it must have been difficult for you but I missed you so much," Phil told him, bringing Dan's hand up to his lips and kissing it softly.

"Things got complicated and I just... Well it doesn't matter anymore, you're out and nothing else is going to ruin that," Dan told him, a guilty pang in his chest.

Phil leaned over and kissed him softly, his hand reaching up to touch Dan's hip.

"We can have coffee with our parents but then I want you to myself so that I can take you for dinner. I've not eaten a proper meal i months!" Phil grinned, watching as the car drove down the familiar route towards their home.

...

Inside the flat, the large family found themselves filling up the lounge, their fathers sat at the dining table, discussing angrily their shared dislike for the lawyer of John's family, the occasional offensive phrase drifting out, earning a giggle from their children. Cornelia and Martin sat next to one another on the sofa, laughing at Adrian sat at the end of the sofa, making crude comments about various things. Their mothers were busying themselves in the kitchen after having stopped off at the nearby shop to get several cakes to celebrate.

"You know, we haven't actually celebrated our engagement with them yet," Dan said to Phil as they sat half on top of one another on the armchair.

"We should probably have a proper party, it's a big deal," Phil replied, sharing a sneaky kiss with him as they cuddled closer.

"I like that our families get on, I've had enough disputes and obstacles to last me a lifetime. We should do this more often."

"What, me getting off a murder charge? I don't fancy doing that again, I swear I must've aged 30 years just from the stress!" Phil teased lovingly, earning a soft slap on the arm.

"Daniel stop abusing your fiancé," his father laughed from across the room before returning to his conversation with Mr Lester.

"I have a fiancé," Dan giggled in Phil's ear.

"I had no idea, what's he like? Handsome? Manly?" 

"No he's a massive dork!"

...

"Ok please don't laugh at me, I've not been out for months and I don't think this looks right on me and-" Dan rambled from inside his bedroom.

"Just come out, you know I won't laugh! I'm sure you look fine," Phil replied softly, pushing at the door.

The door opened slowly to reveal dan, dressed in his white long sleeved shirt that was covered in butterflies.

"Wow," Phil breathed, pecking Dan softly on the lips. 

"Why is it we always wear these shirts at the same time?" Dan giggled softly, tucking in Phil's blue heart covered shirt into his trousers.

"You ready to go?" Phil asked, pulling Dan into another sweet kiss.

They left the apartment hand in hand, climbing into the taxi that was waiting for them outside their apartment.

...

The apartment stayed silent whilst it's owners were out, enjoying one another's company for the the first time in what seemed like forever. The previously messy flat was now ordered, it's home like quality returning after Phil's absence. It had been shortly after the large family had returned to the London home that Dan became aware of one very important fact for the first time in his life. Home is where the heart is. And his heart is with Phil.

Soft whispers could be heard from way down the stairs, along with a key in the door and a creek in the floor as the two abnormally large men entered the flat. 

"I love you so much," Dan whispered against Phil's lips, fingers tangling in his hair as they held one another close. Afraid to let go in case they were dragged away from each other once again.

"I'm never going to leave you again, I swear."

Dan looked down at the ground at Phil's reply, tears trickling down his nose.

"Dan, do you trust me?" Phil asked, wiping them away with such care and attention that the tears began to fall faster.

"I thought I didn't. I thought I couldn't. But I trust you more than anyone," Dan admitted, staring into Phil's big blue eyes.

"Then trust me when I say that I will never hurt you again. Trust me when I swear with everything I am that I will never do anything to risk our future. And trust me when I promise that there's nowhere else I'm going to spend my future other than by your side," Phil reached out and linked his fingers with Dan.

"I'm never going to let you go."

...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, please leave me a comment


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